My son is suffering from failure to launch. My wife and I have tried everything in our tool box and then some. He just does NOT want to leave the nest.
He lived at home all through high school, which, for him, included two and a half years of COVID. But he managed to graduate and get accepted to a university. He left home with, I believe, all good intentions, however, he couldn’t seem to figure it out.
We tried to help him every way we knew how and even enlisted the help of a therapist for him and a behaviouralist, plus a parenting expert. We did everything they suggested; nothing seemed to latch with him. By the end of the first semester, he had all but flunked out and we brought him home.
We gave him the second semester to wallow but also regroup and really put some thought into what he wanted to do. He chose to return to school, but to live at home. He started his new course last month and, though we’re happy to have him home because we love him and enjoy his company, it’s hard to break routine. He would expect breakfast to be on the table when he got up, and expect us to forcefully get him up, as we did all through high school. But we don’t want that anymore – not for us and not for him.
How do we move forward on this?
Desperate for Change
As obvious as it is to you, for whatever reasons, your son isn’t seeing what you’re seeing. And clearly, not you or your wife anticipated this reversion to high school behaviour and parenting expectations.
You three need to talk and make a plan. Whatever your lives look like in the summer, you need to share that with him. Mom and I golf on Wednesdays and leave at 7 a.m.; you need to get yourself up, eat, make your own lunch and get yourself to school. From your chronology, your son is either 19 or 20, which means he’s capable of all the things I mentioned.
If, after a good conversation, perhaps including a written schedule, meal ideas, and a new alarm clock purchase, your son is still having trouble rising, he may need more than a therapist. A psycho-ed analysis may prove helpful to understand where, if any, his executive functioning skills are weak, and how you can help him.
This will take emotional and mental effort on your part, but as his parent, you need and want to help him be the best he can possibly be. And he may need a different set of tools.
My girlfriend is a collector. She’ll find something she thinks is cute and then she goes nutso for that one thing. Last week she found these ridiculous sushi figurines with faces – and she bought 10!
But when she talks to me about it, she’s so happy and animated, I can’t help loving her. I’m just concerned that this isn’t something I can live with my whole life. I’m more of an “in with the new and out with the old” person. My dad used to tell me that every time you buy something new, it needs to replace something old.
Are we going to be able to live together?
Collector
You are who you are. As is she. This is something you must talk about before you move in together, keeping in mind that you don’t want to change the other person. Compromise and discuss.
If her collections start to take over, tell her how you feel and remind her of this conversation. Hopefully, you can work together.
FEEDBACK Regarding the change (May 23):
Reader – “Whether he’s using real money or not, he IS addicted. I totally agree with Lisi that he needs help NOW.
“But I would also take measures to protect yourself. It’s only a matter of time before he does start using real money. Make sure he doesn’t have access to any of HER money and/or bank accounts.
“Who’s responsible for paying rent? If him, is he paying on time? She needs boundaries BEFORE she gets sucked in. Maybe even question the relationship itself.”
FEEDBACK Regarding Mother’s little helper (May 25):
Reader – “I suggest Facebook to help your son find a new place with new roommates. Most universities have a ‘Parents of X University’ Facebook page.
“My daughter benefitted from this site to help her find a place for next September. Now is the perfect time, as there seem to be a lot of students looking, either for a place or another student to fill the lease.”