I’ve known a male work colleague for a year. We’re mutually attracted, and have been flirting since day one.
He’s a good friend, dependable, always looking out for me. I’m in love with him, but haven't told him, though he says that he cares deeply for me.
Recently, alone in a back room, he kissed me, and I kissed him back. Then he apologized, said it was inappropriate, and we couldn't do this again. But he couldn't help himself because he’s so attracted to me, and he says he's not a cheater.
I’m holding back on confessing my love because he has a girlfriend. I know he's not 100% happy in his relationship, but I don't want to be the "other woman."
We still flirt a little, and then still sit down together and talk as friends.
Should I tell him I love him (of course with the hope that he loves me back)? Or just accept him as a friend only and try to get over him?
Anonymously in Love
You’re already “the other woman.” If you were in his girlfriend’s shoes, you’d feel that he is “cheating.”
By declaring your love, you’d be setting both of you up for a secret affair, and heartache for all three involved.
There’s a better approach. Tell him he needs to either work on his other relationship or end it. If he cares that much for you, he’s being dishonest with her.
Distance from him, even at work. The only way you can both feel you’ve handled this decently (and not be the topic of office gossip) is to break apart for six months while he either repairs or ends his current relationship.
I met a married man 20 years ago. His wife is gone now and he travelled to visit me last summer.
One of his children told me he sexually abused her when she was 12-13 years old.
I was also told that his other daughter was having the same problems with him.
I believe this one daughter because I was into a marriage for four years before I discovered that my husband had sexual problems with a brother when he was age five.
Both he and the brother are gone now but my daughter told me in 1972 (after I’d been in hospital with a nervous breakdown) what he’d done to her while I was away.
Now, ever since hearing the horrible story from this man’s youngest daughter and how she doesn’t feel safe around him, I learned he tried to attack her just a few weeks ago.
He wants me to visit him this fall but all he talks about is sex and how good it would be with him.
I feel that seeing him would be a mistake. His child’s afraid of him and won’t go to the police with it. I want to break up with him.
Protect yourself and his daughter too. End contact with this man.
It’s emotionally damaging (possibly physically dangerous too) for you to be with him.
He’s no different from your previous husband.
His daughter should report him to the police. He’s a danger to her and any other young females around him.
You don’t have to accept fear, violence and assault in your life. And women who confide in you need your support and assurance that they don’t have to accept sexual assault in their lives.
Help her report him. Get a restraining order against him if necessary.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband had a past affair and now refuses to let her see his cell phone (March 23):
Reader – “My brother-in-law has been, and is still, cheating on my sister. They’ve been together 25 years and he never lets his cell phone out of his hand. He always logged off his email when he walked away.
“He was not like this prior to the affair. They have young children and my sister is still trying to figure out the best way to formally separate.
“If there’s nothing for this husband to hide, he shouldn’t have any issues with letting his wife see his phone. His wife has a very valid reason for not fully trusting him.”
Ellie – Yes, she can’t help but wonder if he’s hiding something on his phone. His secretive manner is a constant reminder of her discovering that he cheated before and he’s still not worthy of trust.
Tip of the day:
Back off an office affair until the “attached” person either repairs or rethinks his/her current partnership.