My boyfriend of two years has two preschoolers who were living with his ex-partner; she blocked contact, he never saw the younger one until his visitations started weeks ago.
I’m the primary earner and supported his getting back on his feet - he’s unemployed because of untreated ADHD.
I’m being treated for bipolar disorder and only recently returned to work after being on disability.
His ex lost custody, and the kids are now in foster care. To take them, we’d have to turn our lives upside-down: bigger apartment, furniture, clothing, toys, etc. I’ll end up paying and seriously doing without.
He says he has no choice but to take them. But I have concerns about raising kids at 43, with a condition that’s very sensitive to stress. I don’t have confidence in his abilities yet, and this is far too much too soon.
His angry response is, he’ll “just sign over his rights,” or, he’s afraid they’ll be sent to different foster homes.
I’ve been childless by choice, but also know he’ll resent me if I refuse this.
I’ve also never travelled or fulfilled goals and dreams of my own. I’m trying to be the voice of reason in this emotional wilderness.

- Torn

You’re sounding the “voice of self-interest,” which is your right, but the wrong thing for your guy right now.
He’s facing an immediate crisis that is extremely emotionally harmful to his children. Your needs are different but not urgent. They can be delayed, if you have any respect for the man and your relationship.
Show that you care for him and can help him, for the short term. Offer to participate in organizing his life with his kids, by staying until they’re settled and he gets a job. Be clear that you expect you’ll still feel no desire to raise them, and will go your own way.
If he can accept this, it’s a far more decent solution, than to cut and run or pressure him to abandon his kids.

My husband’s five adult children treat me as second-class, though we’re married 12 years. They invite themselves for dinner through him, never me; they bring unexpected guests along; and the married ones leave their four kids for us to baby-sit overnight without checking whether we have plans, tickets for events, whatever.
My husband won’t stand up to them, and gets mad at me if I complain. He’ll cancel our plans – leaving me to repeatedly apologize to friends.

- Overrun and Disrespected

Move into first-class and communicate with this rude pack before they’ve wrested control yet again. Tell them ahead of dates you’ll be unavailable to them. Tell them that if they bring guests, they must also bring food… and don’t cook for masses, just for whom you know is coming.
Sometimes, let Hospitable Hubby entertain his family on his own sometimes, while you go out with friends.

My brother and I had a great relationship until his wife suddenly went cold and withdrew from family events. He won’t discuss why.
I miss my brother. Is it worth trying to maintain a relationship that his wife’s behaviour makes problematic?

- Sad Sister

Stay connected with your brother alone: Attend a family event together, meet for lunch, whatever you both can pick up on easily. Do NOT probe him about his wife. He’s likely as troubled as you by the change.
However, if he raises the topic, ask gently if he’s helped her get to a doctor to check for a medical cause.

I want to arrange a celebration of my parents 50th wedding anniversary, and my brother won’t share in the expense.
Also, my wife’s attitude is 1) it’s a “waste” of money, and 2) the actual date interferes with her work schedule. She also ruined the “surprise,” by questioning my Mom about the date.
Should I ignore my brother and wife and plan this party on my own?

- Going Solo

The issue isn’t the party; it’s your relationships. The one with your wife is primary, and needs a close look. Is there any room for compromise here? Example: Many parties are held on a more convenient day. Your parents would still appreciate the effort.
Your brother either can’t afford to participate, has a different relationship with your parents, or resents your taking charge.
Consider new approaches to both, including willingness on your part to acknowledge their reasons as valid, and make adjustments.