My boyfriend of six years and I are early-to-mid-20’s. He’s caring, compassionate, remembers things, and takes initiative. I feel very happy and lucky.

I’m about to receive my professional degree; he graduated culinary school, and works full-time. We’ve agreed we may be ready to commit in a few years, after I get my master's degree.

We both still live with our parents due to debts and expenses (I’m paying my own way through university).

My mother’s our only problem. She’s hated him from the start. She learned there’s a history of depression in his family and in his teens (he’s recovered), so decided that he isn't for me.

Also, his family isn't super "well-off" and he has a COLLEGE degree rather than a university degree. Sometimes she says her disapproval is "a mother's instinct," or, "you'll understand when it's too late."

I really love my mother and want to have a close relationship with her, but her attitudes and behavior have made this impossible.

Over six years, she’s never used my boyfriend’s name and won’t allow him inside our house. She’ll periodically go into fits of rage about how my relationship has "ruined” me.

He doesn't drink excessively or smoke, has always been a safe driver, and has never given her a reason not to trust him.

It's embarrassing, especially since his family is so nice and generous.

I've been to therapy, tried writing her letters, tried talking to her.
I'm worried now because my boyfriend keeps bringing up marriage, but my mom says, if it happens, “you will never see me or your father again" (I’m especially close to my dad). My dad likes him, but can't get to know him.

Her hateful attitude is causing me to have doubts about the relationship.

Nasty Dynamic

She’s exerting power over you about this relationship, and until you know why, you’ll be forced to choose – boyfriend or Mom. She’s counting on you being afraid to lose parental approval.

Yet, you’re a smart, ambitious woman paying your way towards a professional degree. You have every right to choose him – and even move to his parents’ place – if you’re sure he’s the right partner.

Instead of responding to her attitude, examine your own. Does anything about his past depression or family status bother YOU?

If no, but you’re not ready to move out or commit, stop reacting to her opinions and rants, and see him when you can. And when you’re ready to commit, forge a strong team with this man and let Mom be the one to adjust. Or not. Your dad will come around, and she’ll be the loser.

I’m in my late-50s, divorced, and have an active life including a nice circle of women friends. However, I find some are regressing to schoolgirl behavior regarding gossip, and cliques.

They create “issues” out of someone not calling for awhile even though that woman’s obviously been busy. Or they get huffy if two of us get together and didn’t include them. Even at a wedding or funeral, they keep gossiping, judging people’s behavior, etc.

Do I just drop the worst offender – which indicates my feelings to others – or am I just getting intolerant?

Hate Drama

You’re getting more selective, and that’s not a bad thing. Clique behavior among mature-aged people can be as hurtful as to the young. Spend time with the friends you value most.

Don’t abruptly drop any one person, but cool the contact gradually. When drama arises, change the subject.

FEEDBACK Regarding the elderly mother with memory loss and hygiene problems (Aug. 31):

Reader – “It’s common in early Alzheimer’s disease. My mother went through a "refuse to wash" stage.

“The person is losing memory and other cognitive abilities, yet trying to carry on. Some things once very important lose importance and basic hygiene is one.

“Also, water in a tub or sink seems baffling and some experts have speculated this might be related to a loss of depth perception through clear liquids.
“Some "tricks" will work for some, not for others. With my mom, one daughter could easily convince her to have her hair washed in the kitchen sink because that’s what Mom did when young.

“Later in the disease, accepting help with bathing and personal hygiene becomes much easier.
“Hygiene neglect may bring on health problems such as urinary tract infection, so frequent contact with knowledgeable and understanding medical professions is essential.”