I’m late-20's and reconnected with a boyfriend from seven years ago. We made a plan for me to visit him. He promised he wouldn't fall in love with anyone and I wouldn't either, until we met up three weeks later.

A week later, he’d met someone and wanted to see where it was going. I later learned he was dating her before the promise!

I was heartbroken that he lied and played me. He apologized. He realized he wanted a relationship with me so came to visit me. We had an amazing four days, and I booked a visit to him.

Days later he said it’d ruin what we’d shared to see each other again. But my ticket was non-refundable. We had an amazing week and he invited me to a wedding a month later… during which he got pissed off and left me, without cab fare. When he finally returned to the hotel (driving drunk) he apologized.
I said we either had to move closer together or end things.

He’s still confused, and fears if I move there, I’ll hate him if we break up. I said we should just be friends and he was relieved.

I love him and don't know what to do. He doesn't want me to move there to be with him. Should I stay where I am, unhappy? Or risk trying to be with him?

Stay or Go

You’d been living okay without this guy whom you met when young. Maybe he was your first love, so it was hard to just accept he lied and played you so quickly, while supposedly “re-connecting.”

But he’s played you again, treated you shabbily, and showed clear signs of being an excessive drinker (inconsistent, impulsive, quick to anger, abandoned you). Frankly, he’s a walking disaster.

But you keep putting blinders on, clinging to some image of “love.” I urge you to get personal counselling to probe why you’d expose yourself repeatedly to those same risks, hurts, disappointments, and do so away from friends and familiar surroundings.

We’d been living together for five years. We’ve grown, changed, and now have little in common.

We fight constantly over everything - different opinions and life views. He once proposed but no longer believes in marriage. I still want a wedding/marriage.

He’d like us to buy a house in the country. That move would mean 80 minutes of inconvenient commuting for me. I felt we should sell our current home and separate. He’s refused couples’ counselling.

Now that I’ve split from him, I feel I’ve made a big mistake, and lost a big part of me.

My heart aches for him. But my mind has other thoughts. He still wants to be with me, and he’s promised me so much, but he’s never before fulfilled any promises for me.

Should I give this relationship another chance?

Confused Choice

Five years are long enough to know the pattern. You weren’t on the same track, counselling might’ve helped, but he refused. Whoever had caved to the other on the house move, would likely have been unhappy.

It appears you made the right decision. Now it’s up to you to re-create a social life and closeness with others, to move on. I’m not speaking only of dating… you need support from close friends and family, trusted colleagues, etc.

Give yourself six months to absorb and adapt to the change in home life and companionship. That gives him six months too, to decide if there’s anything he’d change if you two re-connected.

My wife’s family takes over our house when they visit. We’re a second marriage and she’s very defensive about her son, who attends a two-week business course/workshop twice yearly and brings his wife and small child.

His company provides a hotel room, but she moves them all into our master bedroom. I’m left sleeping uncomfortably (couch bed), can’t get to my own things, and surrounded by their clutter, which they don’t clear. She won’t talk about this without yelling and shutting down.

I love my wife, and we get along fine the rest of the time. Your thoughts?

Shut Out

Three choices: 1) Talk to your stepson who may actually prefer to stay at the hotel. 2) Move to the hotel yourself, and “date” your wife (could be fun). 3) Buy a better couch-bed.

OR, start a gentle, genuinely open-ended conversation with your wife about her past relationship with her son. It may offer some helpful insights.