My husband and I have been great friends with another couple for over five years; they’re now splitting up.  

We were devastated yet relieved because, although we love them both, the guy always had a wondering eye and didn’t treat his wife very well. He even came on to my husband’s sister several years back.

Well, we sat her down last night and told her everything since they’re currently broken up.

Now he’s enraged with us and is denying everything.

I know we’re going to lose our friendship with him now but we never rocked the boat while they were together.

Doesn’t she deserve to finally learn the truth?

Why are men so spineless that after being caught red-handed they still deny, deny?

- Truth-tellers

My advice applies to ALL friends of couples who break up: Do not meddle! That includes: do not carry tales. It will only backfire on your friendships with one or both of the parties. 

In almost every marriage breakup, all sides are hurting, especially in the first year of adjustment. No matter the cause or who initiated the split, there’s the pain of upheaval, of dealing with heavy emotions, of children’s reactions, and of financial stress.

In this case, the wife didn’t need more devastating news.

As for the guy, his denials no longer matter. Your information was just throwing fuel on the fire that had already burnt both of them.

If you have any hope of repairing the friendship with him, apologize and back off awhile.

(Incidentally, your hubby could’ve spoken to this guy privately, long ago, and warned him of the potential consequences of hitting on other women).

My wife left me, after seeking permission to visit my in-laws in India, with my three-month daughter, a year ago. She’d obtained temporary custody of the baby, to travel. She’s ignored me and not sent any word of my baby, even after my calling her and urging her to send baby pictures. 

I’ve now gone to India and been here three months, but she’s stopped answering my phone calls and emails.

Even her family members, knowing I’m in India, are ignoring my calls.

She complained in her last emails that I couldn’t understand her and she was forced to take this strong step.

I’m unable to understand her intentions. She’d left for India in a good mood.

I need guidance since my only purpose for coming to India is to save my marriage and give my daughter the love of both her mom and dad.

- Distraught in India

Seek the mediation help of a respected person in your community; for example, if yours was an arranged marriage, there’s likely someone in India who was involved in the details of the match, and who has access to your in-laws. 

Or speak to a spiritual leader whom your in-laws and you respect. Ask for straightforward answers as to why your wife is so unhappy to have left you in this cold, uncaring way. Was she homesick? Was there cultural shock in living outside of India? Did she suffer a postpartum depression?

Be open to learning how you may have contributed to her unhappiness.

Perhaps you, too, need to adapt to different standards for married co-operation and compromises, in North American relationships.

Once you have facts, state your feelings for this woman, and show willingness to change if needed; or seek a legal separation in which your access to your child is clearly defined.

I’m 54, with an impotent husband, not “together” for more than five years, though living under one roof. 

Otherwise, I'm a full-time working woman, without any other problems.

I’m verbally, emotionally abused by my husband every day. I cry everyday.

What should I do?

- Help me, help me

Sit down with yourself or, preferably, a therapist, and decide where you want to be in two years. If it’s still living with this man in a happier situation, you need to somehow encourage him to get medical and counselling help. 

But if, as I suspect, that’s unlikely, then plan for your independent life. You have earnings with which to rent a separate place; legal advice will explain your financial rights from the marriage, once you separate.

Start really “living,” by taking care of yourself and pursuing both fitness and some interesting activities with friends. All this will help you move forward positively.