Four months ago I got engaged to a man who’s still going through a divorce.
My family, especially my mother, got so excited, the planning took off like wildfire – we’ve set a date eight months ahead, hoping he’ll be divorced by then.
If not, we’re having the wedding, we’re fully committed.
But I can’t come to terms with a “fake ceremony and reception,” though we can’t change the date because we’d lose so much money (deposits, etc.)
Although no one would know the truth, I still feel like it’s not going to be real. I’m praying it’ll be settled by then. If not, as soon as he’s divorced after the “wedding,” we’ll quietly tie the knot before a justice at our local court office.
Any suggestions on speeding up divorce proceedings, or how I can feel more comfortable with a “fake” wedding?
- Anxious Bride
You gambled with time knowing you could lose. Even in an anything-goes world, a marriage is only legally “real” when both parties are free. So you, your fiancé, and your mother have all put down money and hopes on a game of chance.
The divorce process relies on the court schedule – any push must come from your fiancé’s lawyer.
Meanwhile, get “real” yourself: Accept the decision you made that a “fake” wedding is acceptable if necessary. You got so caught up in the hoopla of a wedding, that you forgot the very thing you were seeking through marrying: Tradition.
So, if you’re going to walk down an unconventional aisle, hold your head up and live with it.
My fiance’s mother thinks she can come over anytime without calling first.
She tells me what to do in my own home and how to do it.
She says rude things to me when my fiancé isn’t around, then gets upset when I tell him.
My fiancé and I had a miscarriage - recently, she said that it was a “blessing in disguise.” I told her she shouldn’t say that because I’m still sensitive about it, but she just kept going on.
My fiance was upset that she’d be so insensitive so he called her up and she exploded about how I’m tearing them apart and making him a middle-man.
She later called me, saying I made her cry and her whole family is upset with me. She doesn’t care that some of the things she does hurt my feelings and make me angry! My fiance and I have previously discussed issues like this with her, but things only get worse.
- Distraught In-law
Decide, as a couple, the limits of what you’ll accept from her, and how much you’ll let go by for family peace.
Then, her son must talk to her firmly but kindly. He should say that you do both want a relationship with her, but her criticisms and insensitivity are not welcome. He must be clear that he ‘s not “in the middle;” rather, he’s on your side, as a partner should be.
He should offer a visiting time that you all find convenient, e.g. Sunday brunch at your place, or whatever suits you. He can even offer to pick her up, to prove your interest in getting together.
Try to also visit outside the home, even just go for a walk, rather than sit around, when conversations can become more intrusive.
If she sulks over these changes, stay in contact but stick to your limits.
I’ve just graduated from university, and previously never had time for dating.
Now I’ve had a boyfriend, for several months. I’ve fallen head over heels; he’s felt the same way about me for a longer while. But I’m so scared of messing up.
We live in different cities, so see each other on weekends. He calls and texts me during the week. I’d like to talk to him in between, but I’m scared that I’m being clingy or I’ll bother him.
How can I get over this fear?
- Novice Girlfriend
Talk to him. Clear communication and willingness to compromise are two of the keys to a good relationship, so ask him if he minds you’re calling him and when is the best time.
Also, fight back those ears of “messing up.” You’re an adult, and you need to show confidence in his caring about you.
It’s insecurity that makes people clingy.
Tip of the day:
When you march to your own drummer, don’t be surprised at finding a different beat.