I’m a man, 38, who recently married a woman soon turning 40. She has one child, but wants to have a child with me.
I’m happy with the idea of having a child together, and I understand that her reproductive clock is ticking.
But there’s a timing problem for me too. I always wanted to one day enter a body-building competition, which I’m told requires a six-month commitment.
I’ve already got a trainer who’s advised me to start taking specific supplements, and there’s a financial commitment for the competition’s entrance fees and trainer’s salary.
I’m in pretty good shape so the timing’s perfect for me to start.
However, I’ve been warned by my trainer that one of the supplements isn’t conducive to a healthy sperm count for making a baby.
I’m hoping that my wife will understand that this is a very important goal for me.
Meanwhile, she can build up her ability to conceive with hormone injections or whatever her doctor recommends while I do the body-building, so that it’s a win-win for both of us.
What’s your take on this?
What hangs on hopes for a win-win can also land as a lose-lose.
You need more information and more communication with your wife.
No matter how strongly you want this body-building competition, her desire to have a child together has a stronger emotional pull.
By that, I mean that if your physical efforts result in her losing this chance for conception, she may blame and resent you for a very long time.
However, you both need to do deeper research and discuss your findings together. Your wife needs to know all the details about your planned training and the worrisome supplement.
You two should also go together to see a doctor who’s a fertility specialist.
Once aware of all the challenges, decide about the timing of each effort, together.
Making it alone, in your case, risks your whole relationship.
I’m 58, divorced, dating a man in his late 60s. He says he wants to start living together but as time goes on I have more worries than excitement over this possibility.
He’s very stubborn, still living almost exactly as he did when married to his late wife - e.g. Monday night bridge with friends, Tuesday night home, Wednesday night at the bar with friends, etc.
He also likes to travel a lot and can afford to pay my way (since I cannot), but he always tells me exactly what it costs for double occupancy in a hotel, for my flight ticket, etc., etc.
Because he pays, he makes all the plans. If I disagree with any, he gets cold and distant, making it clear it’s “his” trip.
On the plus side, he’s intelligent and says he loves me. I admit I was lonely and bored after being on my own for eight years.
Should I just accept his flaws, or go it alone again?
Weighing My Choice
You don’t love him. You don’t even mention sex, fun, or laughter together.
Those missing or uninspiring elements will make his “flaws” and “set ways” unbearable to you over time… maybe even sooner.
Don’t hang on to avoid being lonely again. It’s up to you to put yourself out there by connecting with good friends, getting out with couples, girlfriends, and informing all that you’re open to dating someone new.
Sticking with a relationship that’s not making you happy or loving, while accepting his largesse, doesn’t feel or look good on you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother who’s worrying about leaving her daughter, 15, alone in the house with her boyfriend, 16 (December 9):
Reader – “Acknowledging that our youth are sexual beings is hard for parents. We forget what that was like. Especially since the dating landscape has changed so much since our youth.
“A Harm Reduction approach offers necessary education/information and support to help keep our youth healthy and safe.”
Sex Education Promoter
Ellie - According to studies on adolescents involved in risky behaviour, “harm reduction has been successfully applied to sexual health education in an attempt to reduce both teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.”
That doesn’t mean that all teenagers are involved in risky behaviour, but that parents need to talk openly to them about what is risky, and why.
Give them the necessary information to recognize for themselves when something isn’t a healthy or safe choice.
Tip of the day:
Don’t risk your relationship by pursuing a personal goal at your partner’s emotional expense.