Several months ago I opened my husband’s work laptop by accident (we have the same laptops) and noticed a flurry of instant messages between him and a female co-worker.

The messages were innocent enough including jokes about work, so I wasn’t alarmed but surprised that they exchanged messages day-long every day.

I closed the laptop and didn’t think much more about it.

Last week I borrowed his phone (with permission) to read a social media app I don’t have. While scrolling I noticed that the same female co-worker was texting him.

Out of curiosity/jealousy I tapped alerts and was shocked to see that they also texted each other day-long, every day, even on weekends, going on for quite a while.

I confronted him about it, and he swears he only switched to texting because he didn’t want to use his work laptop in case his messages about the management team were being watched.

I was honest and said it made me uncomfortable that he was texting her so frequently, even if about work gossip.

I’ve promised to be a better listener and ask more about his challenges at work. He’s promised to be more respectful of texting boundaries.

I feel guilty now that I might’ve made a big deal out of nothing, because I trust my husband completely. Would I’ve have felt the same if it was a male co-worker? I feel I dented our relationship because of my insecurities.

My Own Fault

There’s no guilt. Your use of his laptop by accident and his phone with permission were not intentional snooping.

You brushed it off until you felt jealousy pangs, then immediately opened a discussion instead of making accusations.

You were honest about your discomfort, re-affirmed your trust in him and led the conversation to positive exchanges and mutual promises.

What’s left is your insecurity which perhaps comes from upbringing or past experiences but has no place in your marriage.

Stay grounded about who you are now, as a very caring and understanding person in a healthy, supportive and loving relationship. That’s true security.

How can anger management help me when my wife keeps provoking arguments? I’ve never hit her and won’t, but I end up shouting back.

We’re late-30s, married ten years, with children ages four and two. My wife’s home with the children (her choice to not return to her job after maternity leave. My widowed mother offered to babysit but my wife refused).

I work from home and can only help out during short breaks due to a work quota which affects the bonuses we depend on financially.

But she’s always complaining that childcare depends mostly on her. (A gross exaggeration since I do baths, bedtime story-reading, make breakfasts and take them out on weekends when she prefers to stay home).

I remind her that a financial consultant proved we’d be able to provide the kids and ourselves with more (including a house), on two salaries.

I get so frustrated from her blaming me and crying that I end up shouting at her. She keeps insisting that I need anger management and maybe I do. Your thoughts?

Tired of Fighting

Take the anger management course for your own sake. It’ll stop her haranguing you and you’ll learn a lot about yourself and her, too.

Getting more information about repeated marital fights that include blaming and shouting should next call for much-needed marital counselling together (and possibly anger management for her, too).

Shouting/fighting is a loss of control and frightens young children.

I’m a 69-year-old man, married since 1977. On our wedding night and during lovemaking it was no bother to her when I asked that she wear her white stockings and white garter belt.

But in the last two years, she refuses to wear anything like that.

She doesn't want to talk about it and refuses to go to a therapist. Please give me your advice. I give her flowers, etc., and treat her with my love.

Missing the Extras

After 44 years together (you having married at 23) a lot more has changed over time than the stockings/garter routine. She’s likely experienced menopause with its hormonal changes. Also, there’s more to maintaining a long relationship than flowers or garter belts.

Meanwhile, she went along with your desires for stocking-stimulation until you were both in your 60s.

That’s a long “run.” Discuss what you both want - whether more kisses, hugs, cuddling, and/or other mutually desired lovemaking.