I have been with my loving partner for six years. We are both in our 40s and have children from our previous relationships.

Everything is generally very harmonious and supportive between us. We share responsibilities, continue to enjoy time together, have many shared hobbies and projects, align in our values, support one another and I feel deeply satisfied in this partnership - except for one issue.

In the last couple years, this issue keeps arising, which is that I desire the commitment and security of marriage, and he has an aversion to it. He didn’t get married in his previous partnership, and has some childhood hurts around his parent's divorce that have impacted how he views marriage. It is, however, deeply important to me. This is something that continues to come up as an area of challenge between us.  I think about it almost daily and feel a sense of sadness, frustration and anger that we’re not yet there despite many wonderful years together.

I recently celebrated my birthday. I’ve been hoping to get engaged but not really expecting it based on what he said last time we discussed it. Imagine my excitement when on my birthday he handed me a ring box, from a well-known engagement ring store. I was elated. When I opened it though, I realized that he wasn't down on one knee, wasn't asking me to marry him, but was explaining what the symbol on the ring meant to him. I had to ask if it was a proposal. It was not. It was a promise ring.

I appreciate the sentiment and the meaning behind the symbol. But I’m a 41-year-old woman, not a 16-year-old girl. I’m looking for commitment and security, not promises.  I felt humiliated when for a moment I thought he was proposing only to realize he’s not. I didn't know how to respond. I hope I accepted the gift graciously. Later, I asked what exactly he was promising. He said, "That there's more to come."

I am more in my head than ever. Why isn't he ready to get married? A promise ring feels juvenile and a very clear statement, "I am NOT READY OR WANTING to marry you." One of my close friends thinks I should give the ring back, tell him to return it, and express the sentiment I mentioned earlier - that I am a woman, and I’m looking for commitment, not promises.

What do you think?

Ready for More

By my calculations, you’ve been with this man since your mid-30s, and have created a blended family with him. I can only assume that before you moved in together, you had the conversation about what your future would look like. Did you only discuss marriage once you were already completely intertwined?

I strongly suggest you two speak to a marriage counselor together, and separately. Hopefully, in private, the therapist will be able to glean the deepest need from you and aversion from him and then help you two come to some form of compromise, whatever that may be.

Perhaps your partner doesn’t realize that the laws governing common-law and legal marriage aren’t all that different in the areas he’s worried about, and vice versa. Perhaps you need to be clear what marriage means to you, and your intended path toward marriage. Perhaps he’s averse to a large celebratory wedding, but happy to stand in front of your combined children and parents and exchange vows and a ring.

A conversation needs to happen because you BOTH need to decide if this is the hill you want to die on, so to speak. Are you both willing to give up what you’ve got for this issue? Only you can answer that.

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Reader – “I have used Ott lights for years: for sewing, detailed artwork and reading. They make it easier on my eyes. I also bought a SAD lamp from a company in Montreal to use each morning for an hour, as per the instructions. I discovered the hard way that I should not use it in the evening; I used it at close range for three hours and could not sleep the rest of the night.

“It does not work on SAD depression for everyone, but it makes a difference for me. It uses LED technology. I have recently switched all my lightbulbs to bright or daylight LEDs.

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Lisi – I’m glad you have found relief.