I’m the oldest of three sisters (27, 20 and 10), and back living at home with my parents after being on my own. 

Growing up with my father was always trying. He’s negative, critical, pessimistic and aggressive – though he’s softened somewhat. Still, if we talk to him about the way we feel - even with Mom’s help – he yells, doesn’t listen, and leaves us all drained and upset.

My sister, 20, and I, learned to work around him. However, our sister, 10, avoids him. I suggested she talk about safe things in her day – e.g. good test marks. But I’ve witnessed her getting beaten down for her efforts.

I told her it wasn’t her problem; it was his. How can we get him to see how he makes us feel? Even the idea of raising this is frightening.

My mother finds it just as difficult to talk to him.

- At a Loss

Your father’s negativism has been accepted for so long, it’s unlikely he’ll change easily... which is why you two eldest and your mother must take a stand to protect your youngest sister. Her distancing at this stage could become a serious emotional pattern in her future relationships. 

Moreover, your family’s been operating under psychological abuse; letting it go on is destructive to everyone, including him – he’ll lose all of you if you witness this girl getting more downtrodden.

The three of you need to see a family therapist to help you gather combined strength, learn strategies to inform your father of what’s now unacceptable, and formulate a plan in case he denies/ignores the message and refuses to change.

Meanwhile I urge you and your sister to work hard to re-gain independence and move out – but make sure you have room for your youngest sister, as she might run off on her own.

If your father gets worse, Mom should insist he get professional help or she’ll leave too.

A handsome, bright guy has genuinely fallen for me; but he’s far more idealistic and analytical than me. I’m equally attracted, but fear I’m not his match.

- Unsure

He’s given you good reasons for confidence, not insecurity. Be yourself – he’s chosen the person YOU are, not his alter ego.

My boyfriend of three years has been very un-attentive lately. I know he’s not cheating and he says he’s still in love with me. I feel stress may be the culprit.  

I’m going off to university and fear that if things stay as they are I’ll be tempted to stray in order to get the affection I want and need. Yet, ending my relationship would break my heart.

I’ve had talks with him, and even resorted to ultimatums; still he doesn’t change. Should my focus be on getting him to shape up, or letting myself move on?

- Torn

There’s an elephant in the room, labelled, “She’s Leaving.” 

Each of you is skirting this huge obstacle, rather than confronting it in a practical way. He’s withdrawing outward signs of attention – a natural self-defensive move to gird against being hurt if you do move on.

You’re responding by mentally withdrawing already, and thinking of how you’ll handle a scenario that’s yet to happen. Speak up –not with ultimatums but with planning that reassures you both: e.g. a schedule of visits you’ll each make to each other, the possibility of vacations you’ll spend together during school breaks, etc.

Be more attentive to him, too, instead of analyzing his behaviour.

My sister and I spent two years and many appointments with two audiologists to convince our mother, 70-plus, that she needed a hearing aid. 

Now, convincing her to wear it is a daily issue. She counters that a care worker or medical professional said she doesn’t need it (people who’ve spent about an hour with her). These people should NOT say this – they’ll make a lot of frustrated adult children less frustrated.

- Caring Daughter

Your frustration’s rooted in seeing your mom decline in capacities and adjustment, NOT from what others say or do. This is a sensitive time for you, but it’s an emotional, awkward and frightening time for Mom. 

She wants assurances that she’s fine, and not losing hearing or aging that much. Consider her resistance like that of a youngster who needs frequent encouragement to thrive. Then help her adjust to wearing the hearing aid that day.