I’m married to an alcoholic; it’s been that way for eight or nine years. We have a beautiful son, age nine, who’s been affected by this situation, as have I. 

For him and me, I feel that the best thing is to find a new life. But I’m not sure if the courts would give me full custody.

And if they do, can she come back into our lives and try to re-gain custody of him? I feel that this would destroy him and me both because we’re extremely close.

He does not have that with his mom.

- Wit’s End

There are several paths to seeking that “new life.” I urge you to recognize that your son may not thrive just by “escaping” his Mom. 

First, you should seek legal advice so you have a clear understanding of the possibilities and/or obstacles regarding your request for sole custody (financial help may be available to you through a legal aid agency).

Remember, even if you have custody, his mother may well be allowed visits with the boy.

I strongly suggest you attend some meetings of Al-Anon, and perhaps find a family support group he can join with you, since you both need to come to terms with the reality and effects of his mother’s addiction, even if you divorce her.

Your son may also need counselling to help him deal with what he’s experienced – you can seek affordable therapy for him through a local community agency such as Family Services Association, or through the courts if you go that route.

I’m 23, a recent university graduate, working full-time; I also work nights. I live on my own in a small basement apartment. 

Usually, I have no money problems, though things are tight; I save aggressively because I hope to save the down payment to buy a house or condo, in a few years.

Holidays this year became very stressful for me financially. Though my large immediate family always had a “budget” for gifts, it was a lot of “extra” money for me to spend.

But my work life made me especially stressed. I got roped into things I couldn’t afford.

I felt pressure to buy something for my boss at Christmas.

He’s wealthy, so I couldn’t buy something cheap.

I wanted to just make cards for everyone, but if my colleagues are buying my boss gifts, then how would it have looked?

At my night job, a co-worker planned a Secret Santa for everyone, and included me. I couldn’t back out but I hadn’t budgeted for it.

It’s too late now but what can I do for next year?

How do I say no if I just can't afford it?

- Still Stressed

Now that you’ve been through your first “working-girl’s Christmas,” you’ll know to plan ahead next time, for this holiday and other office celebrations. 

Speak up early on, if you don’t want to be part of group gifts – and be honest about it. Few would argue with a sincere, “can’t afford it.”

Or be a starter, and come up with inexpensive ideas or acceptable limits on bosses would appreciate any gesture of goodwill, including a card.

Being part of the adult working world comes with many situations in which you’ll be asked to participate, and when it comes to holidays and birthdays, most people want everyone to enjoy, not stress.

Months ago, when it was obvious that our “principles” differed, I told the boyfriend I was giving up on him and ended our relationship. 

Recently, he sent me gifts, which I don’t like; I don’t want to accept them.

Do I return the merchandise and ask that the company credit his account and hope he’ll discover this credit?

Do I exchange them for something I’d like and notify him?

Or do I thank him, and re-gift the stuff to others?

- Wondering in Salt Lake City

If you don’t like the items, don’t re-gift them. And don’t use this situation to needle your ex, who was likely just trying to reach out. 

sThe “principled” thing to do is this: Send the gifts back with a gentle but brief, “thanks, but I can’t accept these.”

Then he can do as he pleases with them, but knows there are still no ties between you.