We’re in our 20’s, married five years; we’ve been trying to have a baby for almost a year.
I’m seeing a doctor about a fertility problem.
However, everyone - even people I’ve just met - ask whether we’re going to have children. I find such a personal question inappropriate and don’t know how to respond.
I don’t want to say “yes,” since, if my fertility problem isn’t resolved, that may not happen.
I don’t want to say “no,” because they’ll ask why.
My “maybe” doesn't satisfy some of the people asking, so they eventually ask again.
How can I respond in a way that satisfies their curiousity but also let’s them know I find their question too personal?
For those who are closest family and friends who truly care about you, the answer, “We’re trying…” says it all. An added, “that’s all I want to say about it for now, please understand,” should prevent unwanted advice and further discussion.
But for ALL others, the best response is a brisk, but still-friendly brush-off: “We think that’s a personal matter.” Then smile and change the subject.
If some people are pushy enough to persist, give a light-hearted show of the hand, and walk away. Be aware that though the question IS too personal, some people are just chatting mindlessly and have no idea this is a sensitive topic for you now.
I’m a divorced single mom, 42, with three young to older teenagers, living with a man, 58, with three adult kids.
The oldest, who’s 35, is Daddy's girl: they work together, have lunch together everyday, and she constantly phones him “for business Reasons.”
She’s had wild emotional breakdowns when we went on holidays together.
She sees herself as the family matriarch: Her mother is institutionalized and she’s taken over her role.
She thinks nothing of telling me what I should do and how to do it.
Last Christmas, she told us what to buy all the grandkids; then she said she has no dishwasher and I should expect to be doing dishes by hand.
My boyfriend and I had a huge argument over it, he sees no problem. He says I take things out of context and I’m obsessed with her.
He says I don’t like her, and he’s mostly right - I definitely don’t like to be treated rudely.
The lack of support and the anger from my boyfriend is extremely hurtful.
Back out of the competition: You have enough going on with your own kids and don’t want to be her family’s matriarch.
Though she’s difficult, try to have some compassion for her – she’s “lost” her mother in an unpleasant, worrisome way, and she feels a responsibility to carry on for her.
Surprise her, and take the steam out of her demands, with an easy-going response.
When she says she has no dishwasher, laugh and say there’ll be plenty of people who can wash the dishes together, it’s fun.
When she issues gift orders, either gently say you’ll see if you can find those, or that you already have some special gifts and maybe someone else can buy those.
Don’t react to her every word and action, nor discuss them with your boyfriend.
When he sees how much you’ve removed yourself from the fray, he’ll notice for himself some of her more intrusive ways. You’ll gain his support if you get onside with his having to deal with her neediness.
My wife of four years keeps contact with the boyfriend she had before we got together.
Once, she called him right after we made out.
She says she loves me, but I think she still has feelings for him.
What should I do?
She’s using her declaration of love for you, to do what she wants.
Assume she does love you; but it still appears likely she harbours feelings for him. And it’s certain that she’s inappropriate in her actions.
She needs to recognize that love means respecting the other person’s feelings, sensitivities and the intimacy you share.
By contrast, keeping contact with an ex has to have boundaries. Too-frequent phone calls and emails, sharing confidences, and the like, blurs the line between his being an ex, or someone she’s still hanging onto.
Tell her this, and, if she doesn’t make the friendship more occasional, that she’s misleading the guy.
Tip of the day:
“Are you going to have children?” is NOT a casual question; it’s intrusive and None of Your Business.