I had an amazing open and honest relationship with my spouse of 11 years, so when she asked to be "friends" with a male co-worker I agreed.
After several months, she said had feelings for him. I asked her to stop seeing him, but they soon hung out together again.
Then, she said she’s in love with the other guy - after six months!!
We’ve gone to see a counsellor but it hasn’t helped. She wants to move out to be with him. Our family and friends cannot understand.
How can your best friend and partner just turn like that? I feel so stupid and used!!
You weren’t “used” over these past 11 years, and to think so is just being hard on yourself.
I’d bet at this early stage even she doesn’t know for sure why she’s turned to this guy, beyond the lure of a excitement.
Clearly, she became restless. Such feelings sometimes result from feeling life is too routine; or from an age-related feeling (e.g. near 30 or 40 is common) that there has to be “more.”
If someone new comes along with promise of intense interest, passion, and change, the mix can be compelling for some people. They wrongly think it’s “easier” than doing the work of re-energizing their existing union (or, some they feel they’ve already tried).
Be prepared that she may leave and want to come back in several months.
I believe a return to a process of counselling would be necessary for it to work.
Since my divorce six years ago I’ve been renting a house from my parents, while they’re caring for my grandmother at her house.
My brother, 30, and his girlfriend, 20, live here. They don’t pay rent, they take food without asking, they don’t even buy toilet paper! They only buy beer and bread - and that’s only when I hide my bread.
They also threaten to get rid of pets that bother them, and yell at my children if they’re noisy in the day, as they work night shifts.
They use three rooms - the bedroom, the bathroom, and the kitchen when they have to cook for themselves. But they leave pots and pans for me to clean.
I love my brother, and don’t want to cause any fights, but my parents, my kids and I want this all to change.
What should I do?
- Exploited and Angry
Stop indulging your brother and using love as an excuse for him to be an irresponsible moocher. He’s likely gotten away with the “baby” role all his life.
Both you and your parents need to sit down with him and his partner, as in a family meeting, and say there are “mutual” problems that need to be resolved. Treat him as an equal, let him air his side of whatever the two think needs improvement e.g. he may say the kids are too noisy or that you’re bossy or whatever.
Then air your views.
Your parents need to insist he pay some portion of the rent.
They both work, they both can afford a share. Same with paying towards a food budget, though yours will be the greater share.
If they cook, they clean, period.
Your parents have to make it clear that if the couple continue to take advantage of their house, they must leave.
No one is doing these two a favour by treating them like carefree teenagers.
My husband is having an affair again.
I forgave him once; he promised it’d never happen again.
He’s not been cuddly, and hasn’t made love to me.
I’m currently overseas with our six-month baby, looking after my father.
I checked his email; he wrote a woman, “It was very special being with you last night… Looking forward to see you later.”
I was planning on staying away longer but booked an earlier flight home.
- Can’t Take It Again
If you want to stay together, recognize that he’s a needy guy who turns to others for attention and sex, when the chance presents.
With a new baby, you two need to decide your future, with that reality in mind.
See a lawyer on your own and let him know what to expect if there’s another affair.
Then, this deserves an ultimatum: He gets only one more “out” before it’s over.
Tip of the day:
All relationships have peaks and valleys; find ways to appreciate the ordinary times, and to occasionally renew the spark.