My son's wife of two years is a lovely girl whom I love dearly. I also have two married daughters. We all live close by and get along well.

However, I'm careful not to take advantage of the proximity by being too involved in their lives and spending too much time with them.

But for every special occasion - Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day - my daughter-in-law makes plans with her family first.

Our side is left to scramble to find time together, always having to accommodate around her family. On Mother's Day, we had to settle for a quick restaurant breakfast, and then they spent most of the day with her family.

One of my daughters said they felt we'd hardly spent any time together. I'm starting to feel really hurt but I don't know how to handle this.

I know my son should be speaking up to his wife, but he doesn't. I feel I have three choices: 1) Speak to my son privately and tell him how I feel; 2) Speak to the two of them together; or 3) Count my blessings and keep my mouth shut. I've kept my mouth shut so far, but my daughters are also becoming frustrated, as it's sometimes almost impossible to get our family together. We already have to work around people's work shifts, too.

The whole situation is totally unfair and not right. How do I, and other mothers of married sons who have the same problem, approach this?

Hurt

The short answer is this: Be realistic as well as creative.

Realistically, daughters usually look to their own family first, that's natural. Also realistically, getting everyone together at the same time is difficult for all extended families, and that's natural too.

But focusing on being hurt defeats the ability to be creative.

Your daughter who complained should've spent more time with you back at one of your houses, rather than blame her sister-in-law, and the same goes for you. You could also invite your daughter-in-law's family for one of the special events and hopefully, with that much goodwill shown, they'll invite you back.

Consider, too, creating a drop-in tradition so that all your grown children know they're welcome any part of those holiday days, instead of trying to squeeze everyone into the same time slot. Living close by, they can each find each other on normal days, without the "holiday" pressure.

Meanwhile, your son IS seeing you on holidays, just not as long as you like. But he has "two families" now, which you must accept.

My close friend always reacts to things in my life as if they're more about her, than me. If I have something new to wear, instead of saying whether she likes it or it looks good on me, it becomes all about what she needs and doesn't have.

The same goes for my husband and me. We bought a new couch. She barely looked at it before she got moody and left. I know it sounds like she's dirt poor, but if she really wanted a new couch, she could buy one, or slipcover the one she has. It's getting so I don't want to tell her anything that's happening in my life.

Fed Up

She's envious, so perhaps there ARE reasons why she can't acquire as much as you can (tight husband? Big mortgage?) If the friendship has other value, stop disclosing every new purchase and talk more about the things you have in common, or do together.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who didn't want her mother to be the full-time baby-sitter of her child (June 6):

Reader - "I am a great-grandmother and I know all the excuses out there. All the daughter has to say is that she wants mom to be "Grandma," rather than the daily person who must discipline.

"A grandmother is a special status and you lose that if you are the daily babysitter. In fact, the grandmother should only be there for backup if the regular sitter is ill or unavailable. I also think it would be a better idea that it not be her aunt either (as she'd planned) but because she hasn't that special Grandma status, it might work out okay.

"It also depends on the age of the grandmother and her health, whether the daughter can legitimately say that it might be too tiring for her mother to babysit regularly."