My husband of 20+ years has become an overweight couch potato with an enormous beer gut. After dinner, if there aren't kids' activities, he'll watch TV, beer in hand, for four to six hours. After even one beer, his speech slurs and I cannot stand being around him.

We have good jobs, a house, three children, but most of our free time is disappointing to me. I'm active, fit, eat healthy and have many interests, including travel. Whenever I ask him to join my daily walks, or anything, he has some excuse or whines throughout. How will I feel happy in my retirement?

I also find him completely unappealing sexually, yet he's constantly groping and harassing me for sex.

I have no intention of divorcing, but I wish he were a better companion, and role model for our children.

Turned Off

You already know what your problem is, long before retirement. But, your husband does NOT know how damaging both his health and relationship mismanagement will become, sooner than later.

Instead of turning away in disgust, or repeating (valid) complaints, get pro-active on several fronts. Arrange more kids' activities that'll involve him. Insist he get a medical check-up for insurance since you may be left on your own (yes, a threat. And tell the doctor about his alcohol and couch lifestyle).

Pursue your own interests - even take a trip without him - but not in a punitive way, and say you'd prefer he could join you... willingly.

FEEDBACK Regarding dealing with a negative mother (April 23):

Reader - "My mother made MANY negative and passive aggressive comments to me over years, but the ones she made to my kids hurt me far more. And hurt them too. We tried to brush them off for a long time until it just became too much to take.

"I begged my mother to get therapy for her negativity and constant anger, to no avail. She lost us four years ago as a result of her refusal to do so. I've reached out with cards/emails, saying that although I can't go back to the way things were, I'll always love and care about her and haven't forgotten the good things she's done. No response.

"I don't believe that this is teaching my kids that extended family are disposable. If the people who are supposed to love and support you are the ones being hurtful and disrespectful, then they are "disposable." It took me many years to stand up to hurtful people and I don't want my kids to let people talk to, and treat, them that way.

"They don't miss her at all, as she only brought misery to their lives, and she has not reached out to them except for sending money in a birthday card. And yes - if I ever become a "toxic person" in their lives - they have every right to cut me out."

You and I agree on all of this. In response to many painful stories like yours, I've consistently advised that when people - even parents or adult children - are truly "toxic" to your wellbeing, you have the right to cut them off.

My consideration of "disposability" comes in when some people (unlike you) haven't tried any other route - e.g. changing their own reaction, which is sometimes possible with irritating behaviour that isn't poisonous, or when the person is somehow a good grandparent (unlike your mother) despite being difficult with their own adult child. Many thanks for sharing your experience.

FEEDBACK Regarding the acutely "shy" person who has trouble speaking up even at work-related meetings (April 23):

Reader - "I learned to hide my shyness, and offer some tips.

"Challenge yourself to be more outgoing and set baby-step targets, e.g. aim to say "Good Morning" to five people daily when arriving at work. Many will respond with a simple greeting. Others will invite more conversation. You can simply agree with the person and wish them a good day.

"Complaining-types will try to take advantage of you at first, imagine and practice turning off a conversation in a positive way that lets you get on with work. e.g. something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I've got a lot to do too, and I guess the sooner I get at it, the better it'll go." The more you successfully interact with work-mates, the less fearsome they'll seem en masse in meetings."