My husband of 13 years and I seem to be losing something important - our civility toward each other. The love is still there, and we still have regular sex, but our day-to-day behaviour has deteriorated into snap orders on both sides, bickering over who's right about something, or who did what and when, etc.

We both work, have two adolescent kids, are involved in lots of their activities and some of our own interests, plus we see friends, family, and colleagues socially. So we're busy and constantly time-stressed.

The things we fight about do need to be done or fixed or answered. So how do we manage to do all this without each one feeling so pressured that we can't talk to each other nicely except when we're in bed?

Lost Civility

STOP! Stop signing on to more than you can handle. Stop expecting him to do more than he can handle. Stop expecting to cover all bases within a short time frame.

SIT down together. Talk nicely. Acknowledge that YOU are overwhelmed, stressed, have taken on too much, and it's your own fault, not his. Ask how HE feels about all the schedules and demands.

START discussing what things can be put on hold - maybe the kids don't need swimming classes in winter, maybe some friends can be seen all together and/or less often, maybe family can be back-up for you two to get out together sometime, not just for a "date night" but for a day of doing nothing related to chores and must-do's.

SPEAK from your heart, not from your schedule. A loved life partner is a treasure. Handle with care.

I'm married to a wonderful man with three children. I have two of my own. His children lost their mom when they were young; I've helped raise them to all be pretty fine adults.

I've thrown birthday parties for them ever since I set foot in the household. However, every year when my birthday comes, my husband quietly celebrates it with me. His son hasn't recognized my birthday for years. His daughters send an email but there's no family celebration like we do for everyone else.

My husband's talked to them, but nothing changes. I feel cheated and don't know what to do with my hurt feelings. Get over it? Tell them how I feel? Not celebrate their birthdays (revenge usually not a positive option)?

Stumped and Hurt

Your first instinct's right on: Get over it. These are people who never got over their mother's early death. They may love you and appreciate all you've done for them but, somehow, celebrating your birthday would feel disloyal to the memory of their mother.

If that seems unreasonable to you considering that they're adults now, it's no more so than you thinking about "revenge."

Lucky you, that your husband and, presumably, your own children acknowledge your special day.

Lucky, too, to have the visible reward of helping these kids become "fine" adults.

Whenever I call my son, he's too busy cooking, doing laundry, or playing with his pre-schoolers. He and his wife both work, but I don't know what else she does. What can I say about this unfair deal he's got?

Troubled

Oh, Mama, you're asking for trouble unless you say nothing! It's their business how they handle their domestic life, unless he asks you for help.

Even then, you'd first need to learn what she does... maybe she's up in the night with the kids, does daycare drives, grocery shops...

I got raped two months ago; I'm 13. It's changed my life. I go to therapy. I'm terrified of all my friends, especially boys.

My best friend's a boy; he's 12. I don't want him to know that I'm scared that he could do it to me, too. He wasn't the one who raped me. A guy did. I'm scared he'll rape me again.

I'm popular at school; people come to me when they're sad and walk away happy. I want to help people with their problems but what do I do about mine?

Terrified

Tell all this to your therapist and continue regular sessions until you feel much more at ease. The police must be told all details about the event and the guy who raped you. It's important to make sure he doesn't do it again, to you or anyone else. He should be charged with a criminal offence.