I'm a male in my 30s and have been grappling with an issue of sexual desire for a couple of years now.
In my 20’s I had an active sex life with multiple partners. Some were hook-ups and others were with women with whom I was in relationships.
I'm currently in what I believe is a strong relationship. We connect very well emotionally and have a healthy sex life.
We also live together and enjoy each other’s company. I’m genuinely happy.
However, I often have sexual urges about other women when I'm not with her.
I've never acted on these urges nor even come close through flirting with friends or colleagues, but the desires are strong and distracting.
Some days I wish the thoughts would just fade away so I can continue to pursue a long-term relationship which is what I want in my future.
I considered sex addition counselling but wasn't sure if these were just fleeting thoughts that would eventually go away, or if I have an actual condition.
Awkward Sexual Urges
Whey even hesitate about getting needed counselling?
There’s no shame in it, especially since you can honestly tell your partner that you want to clear your mind of your past sexual lifestyle as part of your sincere commitment to her.
The point is, these urges are still an issue with you.
While lots of attached men and women have occasional sexual fantasies about other people, they’re rarely worried about them taking over their behaviour.
The majority of people don’t fear they will act on a sexual flutter or desire.
Through counselling, you’ll learn whether you do have a sexual addiction condition that calls for behaviour modification therapy.
Or, that you’re a person who didn’t find it necessary to practice sexual restraint with women, even when you were involved with someone else.
That’s a personality attitude/trait that can also benefit from counselling, which is essential if you’re planning a long-term relationship.
It’s about self-respect as much as self-control, and respect for your partner. It’s about controlling other excess urges as well - e.g. when someone’s repeatedly spending beyond their means and not doing anything to stop it.
Take the needed step to learn more about yourself, and become better able to handle the mature and respectful long-term future you want with your partner.
My 29-year-old nephew has a bad temper, like my late brother, his father, had.
Having once experienced my nephew’s vicious outbursts, I mostly avoid him.
However, I like his wife and love to see their adorable three-year-old daughter when our extended family has holiday get-togethers.
I bumped into his wife yesterday but was shocked when she started crying when I greeted her.
She said my nephew repeatedly shoved her and punched a hole in the wall during an argument.
She said it wasn’t the first time that he was physically abusive to her and she’s afraid of him.
Her daughter witnessed the fight and was screaming with fear, she said.
Is there any way I can help her without getting involved?
You’re legally and morally obliged to get involved.
That doesn’t mean a physical confrontation, but rather, a private gathering of family members to discuss an intervention and get him to anger management therapy, during a period of his having to stay away from his home and family.
If he refuses, his wife must get a police restraining order, contingent on his getting this counselling, to protect herself and her child.
They need your help, immediately.
FEEDBACK Regarding your responses to people who write you about their own or someone else’s alcohol abuse disorder:
Reader – “I’m a medical doctor. Please accept my thanks and kudos for your consistent suggestions to those struggling with substance use disorders to seek support from 12-step programs such as Alcoholics’ Anonymous and Al Anon.
“I see so many people in my practice who could benefit from such programs but the stigma (Ellie: i.e. of acknowledging their alcoholism or drug-use problem) is still prohibitive, and the benefits of the programs are still under-appreciated.
“Your suggestions help many more than those to whom you offer them. They contribute to the task of breaking down those unfortunate stigmas.”
Ellie – Having heard personally as well from many people for whom AA and/or Al-Anon (and other bone fide substance-abuse cessation programs) have been the turning point to improving their lives, I will continue to offer this hopeful choice.
Tip of the day:
When physically abusive behaviour is evident, immediate help and safety are crucial!