I’m a male, divorced seven years. My fiancée of one year, and her daughter, (late-20's) moved in this past summer.
My children (mid-20's) usually live at their mother's residence, but due to circumstances she asked if they could spend almost a year at my house. She lives in the same town, so will see them often.
My children started staying at my house (their family residence when their mother and I lived together) and within a week my fiancée said, "I didn’t relocate my daughter to have your children shun her."
I found this statement so unfair, untrue, and harsh on her part. I know my children find the situation difficult and uncomfortable. They don’t know my fiancée, having briefly met her a few times, and unfortunately she shows little interest in them.
I’ve invested time in this new relationship and am unsure what direction to take.
Everyone in this forced and sudden co-habitation needs a fresh start, if all your relationships are to last intact.
You both should’ve agreed to this move. Or another solution found. Now, you must explain clearly to your kids that even the relationship between you and them will suffer if they do shun your fiancée’s daughter.
Your fiancée must recognize that your union won’t last, if she resents their presence, and doesn’t show interest in them.
If feelings are too upset, go to family counselling in separate groups and then together.
Adult children need continued loyalty, but also must understand you have a right to this relationship, including her daughter.
Your partner must accept that ALL the offspring have equal place in the home.
It’s only temporary but getting this resolved is essential, long-term.
My wife of 11 years and I have two young children. Several years ago, I discovered her email sex chats with a mutual friend, and tentative plans to "hook up." I put a stop to it.
Two or three years ago, I discovered that she was sending flirtatious emails to a former love who’s now married and lives on another continent.
Recently, I found explicit sex chats with another man. They were planning to meet the next day for a sexual encounter. I put a stop to it.
With all of the email incidents, she’d been drinking heavily. More recently, she’s been taking anti-depression medication.
I now feel that I can never trust her and we’re headed for separation. I’m very upset that she’d destroy our family for something so cheap.
She, however, is "appalled" that I read her email again. But I believe a partner’s not entitled to privacy in order to cheat, and that any normal spouse will investigate when they have evidence of cheating. Or am I wrong?
Don’t waste your time on the privacy issue - that’s not the central issue. (No, snooping’s not a moral cause, but unsurprising when trust is lost. Your wife’s trying to shift blame, but she’s already lost her case).
Crisis: 1.Your wife’s got a drinking problem, suffers depression, and acts irresponsibly. 2. She’s the mother of two youngsters.
Ending the marriage to end your distrust isn’t enough of a response. Your wife needs help beyond anti-depressants.
Since she’s bound to be involved with the kids even if you get custody, help her get medically checked, diagnosed, and counseled.
If she has supportive family, that’s a bonus but, as a father, you’re still involved until she’s able to be on her own, or she won’t/can’t change and you have to find other ways to secure the kids’ lives.
My wife broke up our marriage when our children were adolescents. She admitted to an affair but told the kids we’d “grown apart.” She ended up marrying a different man.
Now, our children are in their 20s and have a great relationship with both of us. But I resent that they think she’s a good mother when she caused the divorce. I want to tell them what really happened.
With honesty as your goal, you’ll also have to describe the dynamics of your marriage at that time, and what contributions you might’ve made to her having an affair.
Be sure to tell them you’re still seeking revenge, hoping they’ll judge their mother harshly, and think of you as the better person.
Unfortunately, revelations don’t often work that way. Even grown children don’t want to know parents’ intimate details. They’ll also judge you and your disturbing motives for telling them.
Tip of the day:
Blended families need to work at “blending,” especially when living together.