My boyfriend and I are looking for an apartment while also helping his mother find one.
He's suggested that we live with his brother and his mother.
This is my first move away from my parents, and his mother's financial history’s unpredictable.
I don't want to have to pay my way and hers too, because she'd refuse to pay.
I love my boyfriend and his family; they just aren't people I'd want to live with.
To Rent or Resist?
Don’t get talked into moving in with anyone other than your boyfriend.
You don’t have to prove your love this way. Instead, you need to keep it safe from others’ bad financial habits that can split you two apart.
His mom’s “unpredictable” money management won’t change, unless her two sons go with her to a bank advisor and discuss what she can afford and cannot.
They must make sure she knows she’s on her own for her rent.
Realistically, they may have to help her out at some time… but that’s between them and her, and should only be understood as an emergency “loan” she’s unlikely to repay.
State enthusiasm for moving in together, but stay put with your parents until you can live together as a couple on your own.
I’m a woman who, several years ago, moved to a small town where I met a woman who’d recently lost her husband.
She seemed quite bereft and I felt sympathy for her, so I began to invite her for dinner and to include her in social activities with my other friends.
Over time, I realized that she was stuck in her grieving and consistently negative. There was always some drama, medical or personal, that she wanted me to help her with.
She never invited me to her house for a meal, turned up at potlucks without anything, and usually wanted me to drive.
The final straw was when my father died after a harrowing illness. On seeing that I’d returned, she sent an email with a list of her latest problems, then invited me to accompany her to a restaurant where she listened to me for a few moments about my trauma then launched into her problems.
I was hurt and angry. I no longer want to be her friend, which is awkward in a small town where she goes to many of the same social events.
She keeps emailing and calling, wanting me to see her. I’ve given excuses, but she’s not getting that I don’t want to see her.
What can I say to her to get her off my back without causing a major outburst on her part and awkwardness down the line?
Done With Her
She’s not been a true “friend;” you are the one who filled that role. So there should be little guilt, but there will be some awkwardness.
You may even be her next “problem” that she spills about in your small town.
So gently distance yourself over time as you’re doing. You may even want to tell your closest true friends that you feel a need to do this (without badmouthing her, as that won’t reflect well back on you).
Keep being “busy.” When you’re at the same event, smile, be pleasant, but after a few exchanges move on to talk to others.
If she asks you directly what’s going on, say that you wish her well but don’t find much reciprocal support in the friendship. Leave it at that.
In an attempt to reconnect with my sister, I accepted an invitation to a family BBQ that she was hosting.
She didn’t invite me herself (since she doesn't talk to me) but another family member did.
When I called just before the event to confirm the date I was told, I learned the BBQ had already happened and it was an oversight that nobody thought to tell me.
I’d long suspected that there was a major issue between she and I (and other family members) but now I feel it’s reached a whole other level.
I think it’s time to move on.
Finished With Family
You may be right, OR it was a real oversight by the other relative.
Think it through. The relationship with your sister is clearly broken at her end. But do all other family members side with her?
If that’s not entirely the case, keep contact with those you can.
Tip of the day:
Financial entanglements with an irresponsible in-law can harm your relationship.