My friend who’s 27, as am I, seems to always date guys who appear to have nothing to offer her.

She has a job, a car, and a network of friends who are also employed, are sociable, etc.

Yet the guys she chooses are often still living in their mother’s basements. If they work at all, it’s part-time, otherwise they’re “looking for work,” which seems to take a very long time.

Now she’s getting serious about one guy in this same category. They’ve dated for several months and I’m hearing words like “long-term,” etc.

I believe she’s making a huge mistake, and “settling” for a lot less than she’s offering him. He provides no security, no show of responsibility, and no ambition.

I want to say these things to her but wonder 1) whether I have the right to question her, and 2) whether all that will happen is I’ll lose the friendship.

Settling for Less

First, weigh the depth of your friendship - whether you’re truly concerned about her future, or annoyed at her choosing so differently from what you’d want for yourself.

If you care about her and your connection, show natural interest by asking why she sees him as her long-term partner.

Don’t be aggressive or state all you find unpromising about him.

Ask what are his plans, and their plans together? If she says she has what she needs for both of them (accommodation, job, car, etc.), ask if she thinks she can be comfortable supporting someone indefinitely.

BUT, if you just don’t get it that someone can be okay with that, back off.

She may be far less secure than you know, about herself, and/or she may truly love this guy as he is. It’s her decision to make.

My boyfriend of six years and I became closer to another couple when they got engaged and invited us to everything.

It became an expensive year – showers, parties, bridesmaids’ events and responsibilities, the wedding, even the post-honeymoon party, all involving gifts.

Then nothing. No invitations to their place, nor just meet somewhere.

When we invited them to visit us, they were too busy. The one time it would’ve been too insulting to refuse, they arrived late, left early.

Is it normal that newlyweds avoid going out to meet at a movie, or dinner or event, and don’t reciprocate all that was done for them?

Post-Wedding Chill

Some couples “nest” awhile after the wedding hoopla.

Some also trim their expenses too, after honeymoon costs, possibly saving towards a house, or starting a family.

However, their coolness after you contributed to all their gifts and occasions is simply not nice.

Cool down in return. Don’t invite them over, or out with others.

If asked why they haven’t heard from you, say that they appeared to want privacy for a while.

You’ll soon know whether this is just a phase or they only like closeness when it’s all about them.

I’m a senior on an income supplement. My girlfriend’s friends invited us to visit them in Florida for two weeks. We were told to do some light housework, share food and outings/car expenses. We also took them out dining several times.

Back home, I sent them photos, my thanks, and $50.

I heard back, rudely, that I was CHEAP, and they’d expected no less than a $500 gift (they’re financially comfortable).

What’s the right etiquette?

Uncertain

You did the right thing; they were greedy. A second visit would be a mistake, so it’s no loss.

FEEDBACK Regarding the wife who doesn’t always want to go on outings with her husband’s parents (June 28):

Reader – “It may be something you want to do, but it doesn’t follow that your wife would always want to spend her free time with your parents.

“Extended families don’t have to get together all the time. There are many other things to do as a single family, as a couple, or as individuals.

“Your wife has every right to choose not to always go along.

“Her well-being obviously requires her having some down time to herself, and that shouldn’t be disparaged.

“Perhaps, you need to learn that your relationship with your parents should be secondary to that with your wife.

“How about suggesting that your parents take the kids for a weekend?

“Then the two of you can go somewhere together, where you can both get some down time.”