I met a woman online over a year ago (I live in Canada, she’s in the U.S). Seven months ago, we became more than friends.
I’m 30, she’s 40, but I never noticed the age gap when we talked.
I loved talking to her. We have a lot in common, similar personalities, and clicked on every level.
We exchanged photos, but didn’t speak over video chat. I understand now how silly that was.
Eventually, we exchanged "I love you’s” and met at the beginning of this year. But the experience for me didn't go as hoped.
On the positive side, she’s everything I’d imagined and more from a personality perspective. We had tons of fun and she clearly cared for me more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life.
On the negative side, I didn’t find her particularly attractive in person. It became a concern right away and wouldn't let me think of anything else.
We spent the week together but at its end, I told her I had to be honest and said that something felt off. I never mentioned that it was physical.
Back home, I tried to deal with my feelings, but my anxiety around the situation grew. I asked people for advice.
The most common answer was that if you feel off with the attraction, it won't work, and could lead to problems later (though I’ve also been told I didn't give it enough time).
Four weeks after meeting her, I ended the relationship. I did it quickly because I didn’t want to string her along. Also, we both had previously hoped to carry our relationship forward pretty quickly.
She was hurt, but we stayed friends and recently started exchanging messages again. Now, many emotions are being stirred up in me.
I miss her... though I’ve been trying to figure out if it’s her or just the feeling of having someone. I worry that I’ll never find someone with whom I can click so well on a personality perspective, or someone who cared for me as much as she did.
Did I act too fast? Should I have given it more visits/time? Or is initial attraction something that’s either there or isn't and you cannot do anything about it?
How can I find my answer within myself? For some reason I’m unable (or perhaps unwilling) to make a final decision. I’d like to find a way to move on.
Stuck in Limbo
You’ve experienced the good and bad of an online connection, and that’s why it’s different from traditional dating.
You developed a compelling personality attraction, before being in her presence. Now, consider instead if she’d been a colleague at work, someone to whom you weren’t initially drawn to physically but who, as you spent more and more time with, became too dear to not love in a broader way.
Meanwhile, online, you also built a fantasy of how explosive the romance would be. Imagination overload, without the chance to touch and be touched by the real person.
No, you did not give it enough time. You expected the unnatural from an online-only connection – instant, dizzying love. No wonder you were disappointed!
Now, proceed slowly, or you’ll be very unfair to her.
Stop canvassing all these opinions, and focus on what you truly miss about her. Chat on video online. If, in a couple of months (maximum) you still have an emotional pull, visit again.
If there’s still a physical block then, apologize, and move on.
My mother died at age 50 from cancer, when I was 20. My aunt (Mom’s sister) was widowed the next year. She’d had no children with her husband.
She came to visit my father and us kids several times after Mom died, and recently they announced they’d be getting married. My much-younger sisters are thrilled, but I’m uncomfortable.
Does this mean they always had an attraction, and that when Mom died they started an affair, until her husband passed on, too?
This is a coming marriage between two people who’ve experienced loss, don’t want to be alone, can help each other, and do like/love each other now.
What happened before doesn’t matter and can’t be known through your imaginings, nor should it be known by anyone but them.
Neither left their late partner. They were left - and found each other - creating a new family situation that can benefit all… if you let it.
Tip of the day:
A strong mutual connection is worth taking time to explore in person.