I'm going through a separation from my common-law spouse of three years. When we moved into our home, one female neighbour was divorced with a teenager daughter. We felt sorry for her, since she'd had an abusive husband.

My husband helped her around the house. Ever since we began having problems, he's always there for hours on end. For the past two days, he's stayed overnight. He says they're just talking, it's none of my business anymore, and he can do whatever he wants.

I think it's been going on before our trouble started. Am I overreacting? My husband and I are still living in the same house until separation.

Feeling Betrayed

It no longer matters when this started, but his lack of respect for you DOES matter.... confirming that the guy's a jerk and you're wise to be separating.

No matter what your differences were, or how equally you may've both contributed to the problems, his behaviour (and your neighbour's) is smarmy, not only for you, but for her teenage daughter's sake.

Focus on making sure you get a fair separation agreement, and pack up and go. You surely don't want to stay in her neighbourhood.

My daughter's had a really good friend for two years, whose family is from India. Within the last six months, the girl's begun making reference to her colour. Whenever she's with a group of friends she states, "I'm the only brown one here." When my daughter's at her house, she mentions that she's the only "white" one there.

If something doesn't go her way or she feels left out, she asks, "It's because I'm brown, isn't it?" Every time they get together there's some mention of colour. My daughter has gotten so annoyed that she's called her a "racist." I've advised my daughter to mention to her that colour was not an issue until she brought attention to it. What else can my daughter do?

Colourless

For both girls' benefit, you should re-frame this whole situation by understanding that the friend is feeling insecure and your approach, though well-meaning, is wrong.

This girl wants to talk about colour, not pretend that it doesn't exist. It is NOT racist to have an open chat with close people about differences in background, culture or physical features. On the contrary, it brings understanding and sensitivity between people who otherwise don't get what each other is feeling.

Tell your daughter to explain to the girl that colour shouldn't affect how they treat each other as friends. They can talk it through, and then recognize that it isn't a background reason for anything that happens between them.

Then, the girl can trust that your daughter (and her family) will understand and help her in any situation where prejudiced people do cause her discomfort.

People write a lot about cheaters and those who know about the affair. Here's my story: My sister cheated on her husband for several years. She brought me into the affair, without asking, by inviting him to places I attended with her, and to functions at my place. I had my own problems then - recently divorced and lost my job.

I spoke with her and her lover about making choices. They both countered that I wasn't being supportive.

When her husband found out, he stopped talking to me. I refused to continue to be part of my sister's infidelity. She rarely speaks to me now.

I believe people are responsible for their own behaviour, not the family, friends or colleagues. For the partner being cheated on, there are always signs, there's no excuse to choose to be victims.

Blamed

Tough lesson: Better to be "unsupportive" than caught in another's mess.

FEEDBACK In response to your August 23 column, whether a wife should confess her one-night stand:

Reader - "I discovered my wife had affairs with multiple men for four to five years. I never would've thought she was capable of such betrayal. We're now working it out.

"I think the husband in this case should know that his wife was capable of a selfish act, instead of talking out her feelings after her miscarriage.

"Otherwise, if the wife strays again, both affairs will likely come out in an argument and the husband will feel worse being twice betrayed!

"If he knows now, a therapist can work with them to see why having an affair was her way to "feeling like a woman.""