When our first baby was one month old, I discovered that my husband had begun a relationship with a co-worker while I was pregnant. Apparently, their relationship was non-sexual but he was in love with her.  

He started treating my daughter and me really badly so I kicked him out. He soon said he was sorry and committed to working on our relationship.

We got back together and went to counselling.

Recently, I found emails indicating that they’d started up again. I’ve asked him to move out permanently.

Should I tell her husband about their renewed relationship? He’d moved out too but then also returned to work on things.

- Truth-teller

Stay mum. You need positive energy to re-shape your lifestyle as a single mother and raise your child. Delivering bad news might result in this guy drawing you into his troubles, or bring the other two parties back at you. You’ll be far better able to move forward if you stay uninvolved with any further episodes of this story. 

Besides, as soon as her hubby learns that you’ve separated (and he’ll surely hear about it), he’ll start suspecting on his own.

I’m married (40 years); however I met a wonderful woman in her early-50’s and we have so many things in common. She likes the simple stuff like going for walks or just having a beer/glass of wine and shooting the breeze. She also likes the more sophisticated activities like theater and travel. I gathered all this by talking to her over a couple of cups of coffee. 

We’ve not dated or been anything close to intimate. I don’t have that much time on my own, and I’m scared to take it to the next level.

My wife and I don’t have much in common, we’re more like brother and sister; our adult children are on their own. I’ve expressed my unhappiness but my wife doesn’t want to talk or deal with it. I want to be happy and do the things I enjoy.

She always had a low sex drive and I accepted that; she saw a doctor but nothing changed. However, I’m fearful of how immediate and extended family would take a separation and possible divorce.

What should I do?

- Lonely

Give up caffeine – it’s got you hyped up on a woman you barely know. Anyone can tell you they like some simple things, and theatre too… me included… but it gives you no clue whatsoever about what living with this stranger would be like. 

Your sense of loneliness is clouding your judgment. Separating after 40 years together is no cakewalk to freedom. It’ll involve enormous upheaval, displacement, financial changes, resentments and hurt, and possibly estrangement from some close people including your children.

You may still decide to choose this; but I urge you to first think it through with the help of a therapist, not the urgings of this recent coffee acquaintance.

It can be far lonelier to leave behind everything familiar, and find that the person you got excited about doesn’t measure up.

My boyfriend’s eating habits create fights: e.g. he eats all the muffin tops, leaving only the crumbly bottoms, and takes all the chicken wings and breast meat, though I also like those parts.

- Annoyed

Solution: 1) Buy only chicken breasts. 2) Look smug. 

Inform him that there’s more sugar in muffin tops where they’re glazed or sugar-sprinkled so he’s just feeding himself into a weight gain.

My boyfriend use to be this big flirt. We decided to work things out and he claims he stopped flirting. 

He recently got out of jail and now he wants to treat me better and says that we should be together forever. But he’s on his cell phone constantly; he even talks to females and tries to give them advice.

Should I trust him or let this 5-year relationship go to waste?

- Confused

If you can spend five years on a guy whose flirting made you wary, and who committed a criminal act that landed him in jail, surely you can spend another few months with a guy who says he’s reformed. Everyone deserves a chance, and you’ve hung in for some reason (hopefully, it’s love), so accept his word. 

Don’t hound him or snoop, but don’t look away from the obvious, if his behaviour starts to look like same old.