My weight fluctuates; it’s been up over the past 18 months. Recently, my husband said he doesn't want to have sex with me, and asked what I plan to do about my weight, and when.

He says the past year has been very tough and wonders how I could do this, knowing the negative effect it’d have on "us.”

I’ve repeatedly said his comments make it worse. I feel more demoralized, hopeless, also angry, and trapped, and may even sneak food.

I feel he’s always watching what I eat and judging me.

We were madly in love initially. He often worries (aloud) that I’ll end up like my alcoholic mother who rejects anyone who criticizes her drinking. She’s divorced, reclusive. He thinks I want to reject anyone who won't let me eat everything I want.

I just want to be in control of my own life and my own body.

I’m the breadwinner and do a lot of home maintenance and child management because he travels for work (a month at a time or more). It’s hard to make my food and exercise the priority.

I don't want to break up our family over this, but feel I need to get away from him to get healthy and happy.

Tough Love Project

His criticism’s a form of bullying - hounding you, and blaming your weight for the state of your relationship.

Since you carry great responsibility in this union, recognize your strength, instead of letting him whip you emotionally.

Insist that he back off. Tell him you’ll then be fully capable of managing your weight on your own.

Also, suggest marital counselling together about the power struggle that appears to be going on. If he feels his constant “weight watch” is the only way he’s in charge, there are other things you two should change.

OR you’ll have to consider leaving him…. not like your mother, but because he’s driving you away.

Dear Readers – The following feedback revealed a gap in my advice for one man’s dilemma.

I present it here, with more information I should’ve added originally:

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who’s wife had an affair with her co-worker/subordinate (May 15):

Reader – “You appeared to support the husband’s demand that his wife dismiss this ex-lover.

“How would this play out before a human rights tribunal or employment equity commission when a manager dismisses a subordinate with whom she was involved romantically, to repair her marriage, when she’s identified him as someone that’d be hard to replace?”

Ellie’s Response - I appreciate your view. I should’ve addressed it myself, by advising that she talk to her former lover and suggest she help him get placed in an equal position elsewhere, if he’d accept such a move.

(Note: the husband’s original question made it clear she was the man’s boss: “She still has him working with her, despite that dismissing him was my main condition. She said she tried, but he’s a good worker, and hard to replace.”)

If he wouldn't accept another position, and instead would take her to a wrongful dismissal lawsuit or a human rights tribunal, I agree that she'd be judged in the wrong for dismissing him.

From the husband’s view, she had to end all contact with this man to be fully trusted that the affair’s over.

Then, if that’s the only way to salvage the marriage, and the man wouldn’t move, she should quit her job and look elsewhere. Or if it’s her own business, operate at a distance from her ex-lover.

My boyfriend of 18 months isn’t affectionate. We don't cuddle or hug much, there aren’t any romantic dates, and he doesn’t call me a cute nickname.

He says we can't compromise between affection and no affection. When I go to hug him, he looks annoyed. When I beg for hugs, he’s annoyed.

I'm worried about being clingy, but I want evidence that he loves me. How can I get him to be affectionate? Or should I focus on something else?

Un-Hugged

Recognize whether he’s the wrong guy for you. Stop trying to re-make him in your image.

He’s been clear – no cuddles, and he’s never calling you “Cuddles,” either. He won’t compromise.

Instead, it’s up to you to change, IF he’s got all the other qualities you want in a partner and IF you can handle his cool, remote style for years to come. From what you’ve written, I doubt that.