Following are some leftover questions from the May 15 Live Chat on Wedding Rants from All Sides:
My in-laws had been so opposed to our relationship that they kicked their daughter out of their house several times over it. They’d often called and left disgusting, insulting messages and attempts to get us to break up.
We ended up having an official ceremony in another country and didn't tell them.
When they found out, they lost it. I was still not welcome anywhere near them.
When we decided to throw our own wedding, we were told her parents were willing to help out.
They took over everything and threatened us anytime we disagreed. They chose the hall, guest numbers, date, decorations, entertainment, menu, photographer, invitations, cake, music, etc. If we didn't agree, we didn't know better, or were ungrateful.
On the wedding day there were no major incidents, but as soon as all the guests left, I went to thank my in-laws but got rejected. Her sister said that due to security reasons, we couldn't take the gifts with us; they’d be brought to us.
The next day, we discovered they’d taken the gifts that night, and opened all the cards without us. They sent someone to our suite, to take back the wedding dress and jewelry they bought for the bride.
I wasn’t welcome at the house to get the gifts.
They returned some of the cards and gifts but kept thousands of dollars worth of our gifts.
You have plenty to rant about but I strongly suggest you go quiet instead - or launch a legal suit if you choose and can, for your belongings. Otherwise, or after, end all contact. These are destructive people to you and their own daughter.
My ex-sister-in-law is getting remarried and invited me, though we haven’t seen each other in two years. We were once close but the split was hard on my brother and I had to support him. I think she should’ve contacted me first, rather than grab another wedding gift by inviting me.
Maybe she feared you’d be this harsh, seeing her gesture of reaching out as only a gift grab. She acknowledged your past closeness, wanted you to be happy for her. You’re not? Don’t go.
By the way, having people attend a wedding costs whomever’s paying. So if you want to look at it only through cash, it’s an exchange, not a grab. Also, you could call her since she’s reached out to you, instead of standing in judgment.
I don’t know how to deal with my future in-laws. They’re pleasant enough but don’t speak English and don’t try. They’re also of a different religion and don’t want to know any of my customs, even though we’re getting married in my Church. They’re just going to sit there like robots and not even try to participate. I think it’ll be very awkward but my groom says to just accept it.
Ask him to help his parents and make them comfortable, by talking to their faith leader or someone they respect to explain in their language some of what will take place, and the common aspects (there are usually many commonalities between churches).
You have a long future in which they’re a part. Try building bridges, gently. It’s easier for you to adapt at your stage, than for them. Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll have made an effort and your groom will likely be very appreciative.
FEEDBACK Regarding paid or free dating sites (May 18):
Reader – “My friend did her masters' thesis analyzing dating sites. Chances of success are all about the site’s design appealing to a particular demographic. To make money, they have a vested interest in the number of people who use the site (not on potential matches).
“Example: One site’s all about providing security, for women. So 10 times more women go on it than men.
“For those looking for excitement and rapport, there’s a deadening series of questions before ever getting to an email request.
“It’s possible to find your match, but within a limited pool of males.
“Other sites are so open, it scares people ashamed for those they know (e.g. work colleagues) to see they’ve mounted a profile.
“Women in their late-30s and older hide behind secure sites, then complain they never find anyone.
“But I met a great guy on a free site.”
Tip of the day:
Weddings can create in-law conflicts. If hostilities persist, develop your own married life without them.