I’m a 50-something gay man, married to the man of my dreams, together for ten years, married for seven. We have a great sex life. He’s adventuresome, kind, patient with me.
Yet I have a strong desire to have sex with someone else, preferably a person we don't know. I have a wandering eye, and my husband knows and enjoys it, even pointing out attractive guys.
I’ve not told him about my secret desire. I hate cheaters. I’ve been cheated on and it’s devastating. He trusts me.
Yet I’m fantasizing about meeting a stranger and having sex. It even happens during our actual sex, which he thinks is just our natural heat.
I’m afraid that if I tell him, he’ll be hurt, think that what we have isn't enough, and take that as his fault.
It isn't him. I love him more every day. I just want to have one crazy night with some guy – partly for the forbidden part.
But I also believe it won't ever live up to the fantasy. Or I worry that it will, and I’ll want to do it again.
Do I tell my husband? Or keep it a fantasy, even though I feel guilty for even wanting to do it?
Sorry to disillusion you about being a terrible person with scandalous desires, but what you describe is a fairly common fantasy – among men, women, gays, straights, etc.
And fantasy can enhance a relationship if you don’t over-analyze its origin or feel obliged to bring it to reality.
You, personally, do NOT want to be a cheater. You do NOT want to hurt your husband.
But you DO want some new spice e.g. a sense of mystery/risk in your sex life, which is precisely what fantasies provide.
Your imagined hookup scenario already adds “heat” when you’re with your husband. Share it with him, but I don’t advise taking it further.
Your own words suggest you’ll regret it.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the parents worried that their Christian-raised daughter might marry her Muslim boyfriend (May 8):
“This has nothing to do with her young man's religion. My comments would be the same if the man were an atheist, Catholic, Jew, Hindu, Rastafarian, High Anglican, etc.
“He displays the classic signs of a control freak: he wants her to quit her excellent, full-time job in the profession for which she attended university, to move to where he lives, convert to his religion, raise their children as Muslim.
“His family’s also dictating what she must do - pray in their branch of the faith and have children very soon.
“The warning sirens are loud and clear.
“He appears to be alienating her from her family. She tells her parents little about the relationship and accuses them of being "racist." He won't even talk to the parents until they take the first step of "reconciliation.” Is being worried about one's child something for which one must offer apologies?
“This family’s concerned about a young woman being coerced into doing something she may or may not want to do.
“Once she moves, she’ll be away from parents/friends, financially dependent upon him and his family, perhaps not allowed to look for a job.
“It’s a recipe for disaster.
“I hope the parents find another way to convince her to leave this man and find someone who appreciates her. Someone who will allow her to do what she wants, not only what he wants.”
Reader #2 – “I wonder if the parents have considered whether they pushed their Christian religion on their daughter too hard.
(“Intense” Christian schooling was mentioned as described by the parents in their longer email seeking advice).
“Or that she’s freely choosing to leave it to be a Muslim because that's what she wants?
“Small, deeply-rooted Christian-dominated towns aren't known for being open to those who are questioning their faith.
“It was one of the main reasons I decided to not be a Christian at all, as I saw intolerance of non-Christians and those who were questioning religion in general very early in my adolescent years.
“That may be a reason the daughter wants to move far away, as well. She may know exactly what she’ll will face if she leaves the dominant religion of her hometown.”
Ellie – There’s much we don’t know about the background circumstances. I believe that the “control” issue is more immediately significant than either religion.
Tip of the day:
Sexual fantasies can enhance a couple’s relationship if shared. Acting on them secretly with others is just cheating.