My nanny communicates frequently with my husband, instead of me. He and I both work full-time. She’s been with us for one year, and knows how to care for our five-year-old daughter.

Yet I’ve noticed that she’s texting him several times a day, asking unnecessary questions like when she has to be somewhere, etc. He then texts me and asks me.

I initially thought that maybe it’s because he’s more easy-going than me.

However, when I had to get a number from his cell phone contact list, I found she’d texted him a lot that day, and she’d said things I feel are inappropriate.

Example: “Thanks, you’re always so extra sweet to me.” And, “I’ll try to get her home for your return, so we can all be together. You always make me smile.”

I spoke to my husband and he said he’d noticed that she was a bit forward but thought maybe it was just her way. But he swore he hadn’t encouraged her, and nothing’s happened between them.

I believe him, but am still uncomfortable. My daughter likes this nanny a lot, yet I’m torn as to whether I should be firing her before something does happen from her flirtatious comments.

Trusting yet Torn

The onus is on your husband to close the door on any attempts to get closer to him. Whether it’s “her way” or not, she’s inappropriate. And he’s misled her by not reacting immediately, which can be done with polite distance.

He should tell her clearly that she’s to check with you on all her questions. When she says she’ll time activities in order to see him, he must answer that she’s not to do so.

If these rebuffs don’t end her flirting, you must let her go. If she’s developed a crush on your husband, things could get worse, and ugly. And, if he has encouraged her, he must see that you won’t tolerate it.

My niece does not like my repetitious comments, as she calls them. If, for any reason, I give any suggestion, or advice to her, she says to me she doesn’t have patience for me.

Then she loses temper and shouts. In the end, I stop chatting with her for a long period so as not to hurt her.

I don’t know how she can behave with me when I do focus my conversation on some subject, but shouts when I repeat my advice or suggestion.

Please advice her and me how to talk to each other and how to control her temper and patience.

Conflict in Karachi, Pakistan

She’s shown you a reaction common to youngsters/teens when they feel they’re being belittled. We adults give them information and instruction, as we must. But when we repeat it, over and over, they feel that we think they’re stupid, or will only learn from us if we hammer our suggestions into their heads.

Also, as youngsters reach adolescence and older, they need some feelings of growing independence, and that we’re starting to trust them. That’s why discussion and negotiation are better ways of getting information across.

Before you make a suggestion, listen to her view of the subject at hand. Ask why she feels that way. Offer other views and debate without getting angry yourself. If she disagrees with you, suggest a compromise, and/or ask what she thinks would work to satisfy you both.

This strategy shows some respect for her opinion, which is what she’s seeking.

I had a support group at school but I screwed that up. They retorted by being nasty to me.

I apologized, but it wasn't enough. I became extremely depressed.

I hate my parents. My dad's abusive, and my mom didn't have the guts to stand up to him and takes her anger out on me.

I need support... I'm not strong enough to meet new people. I need familiarity.

Should I forgive my support group/friends because they mostly reacted to my negative behaviour?

I find it easier to forgive them because no one could ever hurt me as much as my parents.

Depressed and Lonely

I urge you to call the local Distress Line or Kids’ Help Phone (for teens, too). Ask for help regarding the abuse at home. Whether emotional or physical abuse, you need protection.

Friends naturally react if you’re negative or hurtful. Forgive them. But focus first on getting help to relieve your immediate pain.