My longtime BFF (16 years) used to be with my brother – they had a son - but finally left because he abused her and used drugs.

She lived with me awhile. Four years ago, she met someone and got married. I was her matron of honour. But soon, her husband revealed that he’s very controlling.

We’d planned to go to Florida together with our kids. When we got there, he was mean to us and always had to have things his way.

Once my husband paid their $80 bar tab. I’d bought swimming tubes for my son, and hers, and his nephew. So when we ate, we only paid for our own food. 

The next day at dinner, the bill was about $150. I put our $60 in. Her husband started yelling, “this is bulls..t, you did this yesterday, not paying.” I mentioned the bar tab and the tubes I bought for everyone. My friend took me aside and apologized.

One night I heard him yelling at her. On the last day, he drove us to the outlet stores, and was yelling at her. He took off with the van doors open and her still standing inside.

He later walked by me and spit at me; my son saw this. So I got our luggage and took a cab to the airport. I’ve not spoken to him since.

My friend and I only hung out four times since then and just text.

Much later on, he texted me that she’s upset, and so he apologizes. I then texted her and asked, If he’s rude again, do I keep it in and eventually blow up, or say something immediately and risk you being mad at me?

She responded that now she’s upset with my text. She has no backbone and will never stand up to him. And I'm angry I've lost my friend.

Unbearable Man

Your friend’s in a tough bind… if she sides with you too much, her controlling husband will yell and possibly do worse. She’s twice chosen men who abuse her.

The only way for you to stay connected is as girlfriends only, through texts and visits on your own. Even then, he may not let her see you alone, without her suffering his anger.

But to do this, you have to stop being the same pal of younger years. There’s no point asking her how to handle her rude, difficult partner. She doesn’t know how, and seems afraid to try.

Just be supportive. Listen. Be there if/when she needs you to be.

I’m a student, 19, living at home, still dependent mostly on my mother, for her advice and emotional support.

But when I reveal things to her, she’ll use them against me in arguments, or email me advice columns about my past problems.

I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, and have low self-esteem. I couldn’t make decisions that countered her "wishes" because I felt guilty or wrong.

It’s interfered with travel aspirations, and made me doubt my choices.

I can’t afford to move out. How can I become more self-reliant, confident in my decisions, and take what she says with a grain of salt?

Too Dependent

Get a part-time job and/or volunteer, to boost some independence and self-esteem. Don’t reveal every problem to your mom unless it’s significant to your well being.

Build confidence by solving the small problems yourself. Graduating school will launch you towards a path outside the home. Stay with it.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose angry father is no longer responding to her,though she writes him about his grandchildren (Feb 25):
Reader – There’s a communication technique called "Good Roads and Good Weather Handling.”
It comes from the idea of writing a letter to friends or family on vacation or away: "The roads have been good during our travels, and the weather has been fine. Things are going very well." It's a cheerful, optimistic “all is well” attitude.

This approach can be used for handling an antagonistic person, with calm, warm, and friendly communication.
You respond with a cheerful and mild attitude.
She should write her father regularly telling him only good news about her family even if somewhat repetitive.

If he responds antagonistically, keep the following letters positive and don’t engage in his negative reaction. Eventually there’s hope for a positive reaction. If not, at least she gave it her best shot.