Dear Readers: A previous column, about a stepdaughter who wanted her father at her wedding but excluded his wife, based on her "mother’s choice," brought many responses:
* I was asked to be maid-of-honour at a wedding where the bride's divorced parents each threatened not to show up if the other did.
I eventually suggested that the bride go to both parents and tell them how much she loved them both, but if either chose not to show up, she would miss them terribly!
They both showed up and the wedding went as planned.
* My husband's parents had separated only a year before our wedding (after 35 years of marriage). His dad began dating a woman several months later.
We told both his parents that neither of them was allowed to bring dates to the wedding.
Closer to the wedding his dad asked if his girlfriend could come. We said no. He was upset but understood. We explained to his girlfriend that we didn't want his Mom uncomfortable and it wasn't a good idea to have their first meeting around all of their friends... and at our wedding.
If we were getting married today, we'd invite the girlfriend.
* Her father is her father - he should walk her down the aisle.
His wife should attend the ceremony.
Her father should express that both of them want to be part of their lives and celebrations.
Father shouldn't give an ultimatum, but say that his wife will be attending the party.
You'd be surprised to see how the real Mom will shrink and not make a scene.
All of us need family, friends to love us and share in our happy and sad times. It's not the real mother's right to demand who attends.
* Like the other mother, I'd requested that the new woman not be included at my son's wedding.
I was firmly put in my place and told that she was their father's love interest and deserved to be present. This made me feel like I was being uncharitable.
Not wanting to take anything away from my son's happy occasion, I shut up and put up.
Surely there's a happy medium that considers, respects and compromises with all parties involved.
* I married my husband when my stepdaughter was seven. She's lived with me since then, with the exception of two years with her mother. Now she's 19 in university.
When she graduated from grade eight, I wasn't invited to the graduation ceremony. She told me that her mother would be there and I didn't have to go.
Nobody made an issue about it, although I felt very hurt.
When she graduated from high school, she didn't invite me, saying she only had three tickets and they were for her mother, mother's boyfriend and her father.
I am not as upset with my stepdaughter as with my husband. I think she was being manipulated by the mother, but I was disappointed with my husband. When I raised this issue to him, he was silent.
* When my son was being married, my husband went over to my ex's wife, and said, "You'll be my date for the day and we'll walk down the aisle together". She was gracious and agreed.
I walked down on my ex's arm and the stepparents followed. It was a great wedding.
It can happen if the parents can act as adults should. What a blessing!
I'm getting married for the second time, and it means having to move my three children for the second time (the first was after my divorce, when I moved them to be near my family).
But my fiancé has a good job in his city - 500 miles away - and his child whom he sees once a week, lives there.
My kids are very settled here, and I have a good job, but I love this man and don't want to lose him.
Compromise is needed - by the two adults, not the children.
Your fiancé should be looking into job opportunities in your city; he and his ex should also be discussing how their custody arrangements would work if he moved.
Consider how easily (or not) was your children's previous adjustment, and what you could do better if you decide to be the one to move.
Tip of the day:
Compassion and compromise are necessary in post-divorce weddings and second-time marriages.