My mother, in her 60s, makes some hateful, bigoted comments. No race or ethnic group is free from her ugly views - blacks, Jews, Muslims, Poles, Asians, Native Peoples, etc., all are targets.

I've tried to explain to her how unacceptable her words are. She brushes it off by saying that she has friends of that ethnicity and she's just making a joke. Or, she implies that I'm pathetically naive and I don't know "those people" like she does, but that I'll understand when I've gained more life experience.

One of her closest friends is a woman who used to work for a white supremacist organization, and though my mother has always had racist leanings, that friendship has exacerbated them, exponentially.

I've sometimes thought that she says these things to me because she likes to push buttons to upset me, but she does it so openly with others around, that it's likely it's much more than that. I don't know how to react to her anymore.
I'm getting married in a few months, and I'm terrified that she'll say something horribly offensive at the wedding. My future in-laws are amazing, wonderful people whom I adore, and I hate the thought of even being remotely connected to my mother's bigotry.
Mortified and Worried

You have a clash of principles to try to reconcile - loyalty to your mother, and loyalty to your principles. Much of the time, your mother's bigotry is separate from your own life and views. But now that you're becoming part of another family - your own with your husband and by extension to his family, you must make your position clear.

Tell your in-laws well ahead that they may be shocked by some of the things your mother says, and that her racism in no way reflects your views. Tell them how hard it's been to deal with this part of her personality, but that you don't wish to abandon her because of it. Hopefully, they'll understand.

Tell your mother you're frustrated that she cannot see how hateful and harmful her comments are, and that they personally disgust you. Say you are an adult and experienced enough to know that her way of thinking contributes to terrible injustices, persecution, physical conflict, and wars.

Alert her that if she expresses these views at your wedding, among people you care about, or with your future children, you'll be faced with a decision to cut her out of your life.

Harsh? Yes. But I believe it'll come to that unless she learns to keep her vitriol to herself.

We have three married children with very different financial levels. Our eldest son is very affluent, in the investment business with his wealthy father-in-law. Our daughter's separated, raising twin toddlers while working part-time (I babysit). Her ex makes a modest income. Our youngest son's a musician earning sporadically, his wife has a good job, and they manage independently.

I feel guilty putting all our spare resources towards my daughter. Are we breeding resentments?

Concerned

Put your extra resources where they're needed - helping your daughter. But be clear that you expect her to eventually upgrade for full-time work, when possible.

In your wills, leave equal amounts of your remaining assets to each child. It's often at the time of loss that adult children show resentments and that families divide. (If the will leaves them harmonious, your wealthy son may feel some responsibility to his sister, if she still needs help).

FEEDBACK Regarding emotional abuse (Feb. 1):

Reader - "My ex constantly lectured me on my finances, health, diet, and household habits. He never verbally abused or belittled me, but he showed contempt for many of my actions and interests.

"I felt shame for being a "bad" girlfriend. I accepted it for many years because I thought he was smarter and thus knew better than me.

"When I started a new job where, for the first time ever, I wasn't treated like a second-class citizen, I began to feel something was very wrong. My ex and I loved each other, but realized that we weren't right for each other and split up.

"Afterward I realized how much being with him had whittled away at my self-esteem. It took me several years to get my confidence back. I'm now married to someone who thinks I'm the most amazing person in the world."