This is about my lifeless love life. I met a guy on the Internet and we’ve been talking a lot through emails and text messaging. We’re interested in each other.

He says he booked a plane ticket to come see me. But he keeps asking me for money. When I say that I don't have it to give to him, he sends very angry text messages.

Then he doesn't text me for a few hours or a few days. Later, he’ll text, “I miss you, baby,” and, “how are you?”

I’ve been single for a long time and am turning 40. It’s why I seem a bit vulnerable, leaning onto this and hoping it’s meant to be.

I’m trying to find my love and my way of life, so I’m a bit confused. Tell me what you honestly think.

Vulnerable Online Girlfriend

My thoughts come from hearing countless stories like yours. And from your own gut instinct that made you write to ask about this man.

Sorry, but he’s a classic scammer. He says he’s already bought the ticket, though you clearly didn’t discuss and expect this.

Even if you’re interested in each other, you’d normally expect more planning and discussion about when he can visit you, for how long, where he’d stay, etc.

Then he asks for money, which also wasn’t discussed ahead. His anger and silence is a tactic to make you worry and feel guilty. Next, he calls you “baby” to soften your heart.

Sad to tell you that there’s a known network of men and women in faraway countries working this exact scam and they often use “baby” because they’re playing off so many women they can’t always remember the right name.

Respond that you now need money, you lost your job, and want him to send some so you can manage until he arrives. Do NOT send your account number, ask for a certified cheque sent to a Post Office box.

I believe the answer, or silence, will say it all.

Real love eventually comes from someone you’ve met, know, and trust. There’s time and hope at 40, for meeting new people through common interests, volunteering, taking courses, etc. Get pro-active, not vulnerable.

I was raised in a very religious household and became an atheist at 13. I accept that my mother has beliefs contrary to my own, and have always done my best to respect her beliefs.

On my birthdays, I get cards with messages thanking her God for bringing me to her and hoping that he blesses me during the year.

I often get Christmas cards from her with a heavier religious message. This year, it’s "I hope this Christmas that you celebrate it for whatever it means to you.”
Every year, I tell her that I’d never impose my beliefs on her with a card that represented my secular or scientific beliefs. Is it time I just ignore her religiosity altogether?

Same Old 

Why risk hurting her, when nothing she says interferes with you sticking to your own belief system?

So far, you’ve respected her by accepting her right to her religious beliefs.

Understand this: She thinks she’s doing the “right” thing within those beliefs, by trying to get you thinking differently.

It’s your continuing bond… she stays in the Mom role by hoping she’ll help you see another way. You stay in the Son role by being even more convinced of your independent views.

It’s working for both of you.

I'm 26, a girl from the South. I recently started a relationship that’s gotten pretty serious.

However, my parents are very conventional "Old Southern" types and my boyfriend is black.

I’m afraid of what they'll think when I take him home for a visit.

What should I do?

Racial Divide

You should NOT just “take him home” – it’s unfair to everyone and will appear like an open challenge on your part.

First, be certain for his sake as much as your own, that you’re committed to him, to stand by him no matter your parents’ reaction. If it’s too early for that, then you’re both not ready for meeting them in person.

Tell your parents that you’re dating a man of colour. Let their initial reaction be with you. You’ll soon know whether they’ll ever accept him.

Or whether their ingrained racism means you have to be willing to be divided from them for love.