I love my husband of over two years and adore our nine-months-old son. But I feel very lonely.
My husband’s a busy professional, and works some nights as well as long days. We started a family right away, as he’s 10 years older than me. I’m early-20s.
My problem is my husband’s lack of intimacy with me.
Either he’s too tired, or just not feeling romantic. I’m wondering if he became distant when my pregnant belly got quite big.
I’m back to my normal weight, keep myself looking good, take the baby out on errands and visits, and show interest in my husband’s work when he comes home. But I never feel he desires me anymore.
Is this normal after a first baby, or am I doing something wrong?
Lonely New Mom
Don’t turn on yourself with blame, and don’t look for flaws in your appearance. You’re doing the right things - staying positive and upbeat, getting out with friends, looking after yourself physically.
You’re obviously handling new motherhood with energy and a positive attitude.
The problem is that your husband’s withdrawn physically without saying why.
Some men have a reaction after a wife gives birth, of seeing her as a mother figure instead of a lover. It may have something to do with their attitude towards their own mother.
If this is the case, he needs to recognize and acknowledge these feelings and get professional help to deal with them.
But first and foremost, he must communicate with you, if only to admit that something’s bothering him.
Tell him straight up that you’re feeling frustrated by the lack of sex and want to discuss what you two can do about it.
If you don’t assert yourself now, his non-communication about sex can become a persistent problem.
I’m currently dating a high-school friend who had a crush on me 35 years ago. We’re both 53, single for the last five years. I have three children but only one, who’s 18, at home.
He has two children who don’t live with him.
We’ve been together for six months. He’s generous, fun, humorous, and we get along well. We recently met each other’s children.
He mentioned at the start that he used to have a gambling addiction. However, I seem to notice an alcohol dependency.
I’m not sure, but I think there are a few beers most week nights.
But I see a red flag on weekends. He becomes more affectionate, is unusually forgetful (blackouts?), and different from when he’s sober.
He says he’s in love with me, but has monthly communication with an ex who’s not his children's mother.
He says they text as friends, but when he drinks, this is typical from him to her: “I dreamt about you and it was very nice; it’d be nice to see you.”
Should I worry that, if drinking, he may cross monogamy lines?
Can I mention that I worry about his judgement, or lack of it, under the influence?
Red Flag Romance
Speak up if you hope and intend to have a future together.
Most excessive drinkers don’t easily acknowledge a “problem.” They become defensive and say they can handle it.
You need to show him the evidence when he doesn’t handle it well, and say how it affects you.
Be clear that you can’t accept an ongoing alcohol issue that he won’t address. Only he can gain control of his drinking, or quit, but he has to want to.
I’m 11 and I’ve cut myself. What do I do?
There’s pain in your life and you wanted to add your own and take control. But you need adult help to deal with what’s causing the pain.
If possible, talk to your parents immediately and tell them what’s made you feel like doing this.
If it’s your parents with whom you have serious problems, go to someone at school – a teacher, counsellor, or the principal - and say that something’s going on that made you cut yourself.
You’re scared and worried, but you’re smart enough to know there’s a better, safer way to handle whatever it is.
That’s why you’ve emailed me.
I assure you that things CAN get a whole lot better, with some help. In Canada, call this number Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868). In America, call the National Youth Crisis Hotline 800-442-HOPE (800-442-4673). Both lines are free, 24-hour, confidential services.
Tip of the day:
Deal with sexual problems as an equal partner, without blaming yourself first.