I’m 39, divorced seven years, sharing equal custody with my ex-wife of our five-year-old son.
I’m financially secure but I don’t live extravagantly. I’d like to eventually find a loving partner but I have firm limits on my choices.
I don’t want more children. It was very painful (especially since my wife left me) to have to only share half of my son’s days and nights through our custody agreement. I can’t give him even less time by having another child.
Also, because of my income bracket, I have to be sure that a woman doesn’t get interested in me for my money.
Instead of dating a lot, I try to hang out with friends but they’re all in couples, and sometimes I feel like an intruder.
They’re either trying to fix me up, or they just “forget” to tell me they’re getting together.
How can I find the right woman, for my situation?
Don’t count on your “firm limits” to help you find the right partner.
Like any recycled single, you’ll need to re-learn how to navigate the dating world. Whether through a dating website or app, friends’ “set-ups” or chance meetings, your first few dates with someone new are only a preliminary view of someone’s character.
Don’t assume “she wants kids” or “she’s after money,” based on your fears from your breakup, or old prejudices and stereotypes.
Dating someone towards the long-term requires open, honest discussion – and not just about you and your needs.
Listen to her story – her past journey, future hopes, and plans.
Unless you’re hopelessly self-absorbed, you should be able to discern who’s a woman to trust, respect, and love.
I’m 41 with two daughters, 10 and 12, whose closest friends are children of a couple whom my husband and I see a lot.
The four girls are all on the same gymnastics team. Through attending their training and competitions, their fathers became great buddies. My friendship with the other mother also felt close and solid.
Then, my “friend” suddenly turned on me angrily and said that I’d been very mean and manipulative.
Her only explanation saying that I was interfering in her family (untrue). Yet I immediately said that I was extremely sorry and apologized for however I’d offended her.
I had no idea what she meant but she just walked away.
Things remained very cool between us but we still end up together at gym events.
Our husbands still meet without us for drinks or sports events. My husband says I should just carry on as before.
But I can’t get past her accusations, which had no basis in anything I felt or in my whole nature, which everyone else finds to be caring.
How do I go forward since we’re often still together and will be for the foreseeable future?
Meanwhile, she’s never apologized to me.
Forget about her apology, it’s unlikely to come. She vented at you for some reason that you don’t know and that she’s not sharing. That’s her style.
I say that because it’s a control-device that some people use when they feel wronged. She may’ve disliked something you said or did, but didn’t want to discuss it and have you explain yourself.
I’m betting that she’s capable of carrying on when you meet, perhaps a little cooler, but basically as if nothing happened.
Going forward: You can dial back your belief that you two are “close,” and simply relate as spectator-Moms supporting your children’s gym efforts.
We’ve been married 26 years and have no communication now. I just found out that she has Dementia. I’m going to see her doctor tomorrow, we did take vows for better or worse.
I’m 78, she’s 73. My stress looking after her caused me to have a heart attack. I’ve now got a pacemaker.
Basically, we’re not compatible. She doesn’t want to do anything but sleep. What else should I do?
Dementia is hard on both of you; She’s confused, losing memory and some of her thinking, judgment, and social skills.
Meanwhile, you’re struggling with the efforts of caregiving and your own health issues.
Contact her doctor for referral to local resources for dementia patients, including respite care for her (e.g. for a weekend) so you can have breaks from caregiving.
Also, check your local community agencies for day-care programs for dementia patients.
Getting help for both of you will ease your stress.
Tip of the day:
Setting “limits” on love choices doesn’t guarantee finding The One.