My daughter, 17, was dating a young man for three months before he was shipped off to Boot Camp to serve our country.

They planned a future together.

I love this young man and am proud of him, but I believed she was too young to get engaged.

Yet all I could do was refuse to sign papers to allow the marriage before she turned 18, and offer advice on why she should wait.

He came home for a week two months before her 18th birthday and set a date. She’d be moving across the country to where he was stationed.

A month after he left, my daughter told me she was pregnant!

I had to be there for her. Her fiancé said he was saving for the baby and her moving there when unable to work.

During her pregnancy, she told me her feelings for him had changed.

She was also scared to move so far away with a baby on the way. But when her fiancé came home, they did plan a quick wedding.

Even on that day, she expressed apprehension. She moved to join him two and a half months later.

I’d hosted a baby shower so she could receive some gift cards to help with the baby’s arrival.

She soon discovered that her fiancé hadn’t saved anything. He was asking her to spend the gift cards for household things and for going out.

Within 45 days, she’d used up half of her gift cards and her savings. She was very upset and just wanted to come home, saying she’d return after the baby was born.

The environment was too stressful. She wanted to be around family.

Several days before she came home, she told me she’d been unfaithful to her fiancé a week after he left… around the time she got pregnant.

She still had feelings for this other young man.

Before the wedding, and a month into her pregnancy, she’d told her now-husband that her feelings weren’t the same and she didn’t want to move forward with the wedding. She also confessed she’d cheated around the time she got pregnant.

He insisted they could work on it and begged her to try.

Now she’s home and they’re considered “separated.” She told the other young man he could be the father and he wants to be with her and involved.

Her husband is coming home for the birth, his family’s excited (they know nothing else), and the other possible father wants to be there, too.

We plan on doing a paternity test once the baby’s born, but we don’t want to publicize this ahead, if we don’t have to.

Meanwhile, we don’t know how to handle the family situation when she goes into labour. His family will be hurt and disappointed, the other young man intends to be present.

What do we do at that point?

Complicated Conundrum

The baby is innocent of all this, and the birth shouldn’t be tainted by anger, accusations, and drama.

Your daughter needs you there as her main support.

But giving the “could-be” father a role before the paternity test is unnecessary, though his intentions are admirable. He can be encouraged about his parenthood if/when it’s a fact.

The “likelier” father (they had three months together and he’ll have parenting rights if it’s his) should be present for bonding with the newborn, so it’s hard to exclude his parents.

Stay calm and get the paternity test done speedily.

 

A couple of friends and I (all 60-plus) are planning a trip to Europe. We don't get to take holidays often.

Another friend heard about it, and asked to join.

We hadn’t included her because she’s pushy, opinionated, and frequently creates drama.

She has to have the last word and often creates a lot of friction and uneasiness.

What’s the best way to say that we don't want her along?

OR, are her feelings going to be hurt no matter how we say it?

Awkward Decision

You’re going to hurt her feelings either way.

It’s crucial to your enjoying this rare trip that you tell her that her behaviour’s often offensive.

It’s equally crucial to any future relationship with her that she either be told why she cannot join you, or what you won’t put up with if she does.

If you don’t tell her and find an excuse, the “friendship” is a sham whatever you decide.