My daughter’s best friend’s mom is a lovely person who responds quickly and is easygoing and accommodating when making plans for the girls. Her daughter is always at my house, or my daughter is at hers. We share similar parenting values, agreeing on when we think they’re old enough to have a phone, wear make-up, be on TikTok, etc.

However, lately I’ve been noticing that though she is OK with whatever I plan, her go-to is less fun, less exciting - just less. The girls have a big party that they are planning for their friends from dance and have been working on it for a few months now. They brought us their wish-list, we pared it down, and then told them to go for it.

Now my daughter’s BFF’s mom is suggesting we remove half the items from the party. She’s trying to kibosh everything from the food to the décor to the entertainment. And it’s not about the money. For one, she’s rolling in it. But also, we have very little costs because all the other moms are pitching in.

My daughter and her friend are crying to me, and I don’t know how to respond without muttering what I really want to say to this woman out loud. Help!

Debbie Downer

Call this woman and have a chat. Ask her what has changed since you first went over the party details and agreed on all the things. Is it actually the party that has her knickers in a twist, or is there something else going on in her life that is spilling over? Even though it’s not your business, you may get her to see that she’s projecting, and she may back off.

Or she can explain why each thing is bothering her and you can hear her out. I’m unclear as to the age of the girls, but you may want to advocate on their behalf, and then bring them into the discussion. They may be able to see that, for example, they don’t need to release live doves (even if the doves belong to someone else and there is no cost involved).

It’s a good learning process all around.

However, if this woman is just saying no for the sake of it, or because it doesn’t appeal to her, then it’s important for her to understand that this isn’t about her. It’s about your daughters. And if this is what they want, then it’s unkind of her to try to change it for her tastes.

Reader’s Commentary On how to help the confused coach (May 20):

“As for general rudeness — lots of luck!

“I won’t list all the reasons why very young children are rude and disrespectful of authority, but I can, however, offer a few pieces of practical advice.

“First of all, kids will often behave much worse if they think they’re anonymous and can get away with it.  So, make sure you know the full names of all the participants and that they’re aware you know their parents — even if it’s just a quick hello at each game.  Secondly, don’t reprimand or discipline a kid in the presence of their peers since they’ll then feel the need to exhibit bravado.  Instead, take them well aside at the end of the game or during a break.  You could even take them over to their parent for this discussion.  They will generally be less inclined to be mouthy when facing you alone.

“Finally, don’t be afraid to take charge.  Use a firm but quiet tone. When you receive an apology, be sure to welcome the child back with a smile and a pat on the shoulder.  You’re the adult; you decide what you will tolerate.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the worldly women (May 21):

Reader – “When I feel put upon, I visit the plaque of Rhoda Skinner (1775-1834) at the Scarborough Museum in Thomson Park.  Rhoda was married to two widowers, from whom she had 19 stepchildren. And she bore 18 of her own with these two husbands.  Some of the stepchildren of the first husband were grown when she married him, but at least half were still children or young teens living at home.

“She therefore bore and/or raised at least 30 children — without electricity, indoor plumbing, central heating, refrigeration, transportation other than a horse and wagon, stores, schools, doctors, libraries, radio, television or even nearby neighbours to lend a hand.  In a very small house.  And there were no spa days.  My visits to her plaque generally restore my perspective and my mood.”

Lisi – Just reading the above gives some perspective on how easy our lives have become.