After over three years together, whenever people ask when we’re getting married, my boyfriend responds jokingly and laughs it off - like saying, “never,” or “if she’s good.” When we’ve discussed marriage and children, he says, “when the day comes, it’ll happen” or, “if everything goes well.” Sometimes he just brushes it off. 

I’ve tried explaining how his response is hurtful, because it makes me feel he’s not committed to our relationship, or ashamed. He says if we talk about how happy we’ll be when marriage and kids do occur, we won’t be as happy when it happens.

I now quickly answer the same way he does when people ask, hoping he can see how it feels to be in my shoes. But this technique isn’t working out.

What’s another way to get him to answer those questions differently (e.g. “one day,” like it’s going to happen).

- Awkward

It’s your own insecurity that’s letting him get away with thoughtless behaviour. You’ve been together long enough to have a real conversation: If he’s still uncommitted or actually ashamed, leave him. If he’s uncertain, find out why. 

Standing awkwardly beside him as he puts down the idea of your future together (even jokingly) is the same as accepting a public insult. You don’t have to be public about your plans, but you DO have to have a private understanding, which you’ve arrived at together. Then, you can laugh with him, when he brushes off inquisitive folks.

Stop copying his silly responses and get him to be open with you about the long-term - is he In or Out, or waiting for something more certain to come along.

My stepson, 25, has a decent, entry-level job in his field, but he periodically threatens to quit, go back to school, travel the world, etc. It drives me crazy that he has no clue about the effect of the economy on us, and expects we’ll help fund him.

- Worried

He has a right to change course, and a right to dream. You have a right to say No to what you can’t afford.

My wife’s seeing a psychologist because, while she believes that I’ve been a good, caring and devoted husband/father over 27 years, she wants to understand her lack of intimate feelings towards me.  

She agrees with me that I should also see this psychologist because I also want to understand, and learn whatever behaviour of mine has led to her problem, as I’m sure I must be at least partially the cause.

However this psychologist suggests I see a separate professional whereas I thought she’d like to see the whole picture. A different person seeing me alone cannot truly understand my wife just through my unintentionally biased opinion.

So, should I insist on seeing her or go to another psychologist?

- Puzzled

It’s not unusual for a psychologist to insist on NOT counselling both partners. 

Your wife didn’t seek marital therapy. She’s exploring her own personal dilemma - which seems to be a disturbing confusion between logic and experience versus her conflicting emotions. It’s a private journey, until she’s at a comfortable point of self-understanding and can share with you what she’s learned about herself.

Her psychologist has decided that you should go through a similar process on your own, before you two try to work on your intimate relationship. As you say yourself, it’s not only about your wife, but about your behaviour too.

Accept the professional’s guidance.

I’d like to have a relationship with my older sister; however, though I’m a 20-year teacher, my sister decides how I should live my life. I’ve told her I’m not seeking advice, and to not tell me how to live. 

When I call, I’m telling her what I’ve already decided. I just want to talk, but she won’t even listen. Is there a way to have a relationship with her, or should I just send Christmas cards yearly?

- Giving Up

You’ve fallen into your sibling pattern, with you “reporting,” as the younger sister, and her making commentary as an older, presumably wiser one. 

Now, change the pattern: Having a relationship of equals means listening as well as talking. Do NOT offer a list of your decisions lifestyle descriptions.

Rather, ask about her life, her immediate family, job, travels, etc. Talk about books, movies, politics, whatever interests you share or can discuss comfortably.