My partner of two years and I have committed to a life together, starting with moving in together this year. However, the ghosts from my past (i.e. girlfriends, hookups) keep popping up unexpectedly. 

Recently, one of those two-nighter hookups from three years ago contacted me on Facebook asking to be my “friend,” and whether I’d gone back to the bar where we met. I didn’t bother answering.

My lady is very upset that I chose to not reply, “I’m dating someone now, you and I are done, get over it, and get lost" (her exact instructions).

This other woman and I had just eventually stopped talking to each other – no hurtful words and no hard feelings after. I felt my point can be made just as easily by ignoring her. But my partner thinks I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and/or want to keep options open in case she and I don’t work out.

I know if that woman wrote back again, I WOULD send a strongly-worded letter. This issue is big is because I chose the same method to distance myself from several 10-year-old friendships - I just let them fizzle out instead of writing a very out-of-character “get lost” letter, which I think is unnecessary.

- Divided

The issue is “big” because of the numbers of these “ghosts” and their reappearances – a factor that has naturally made your partner feel insecure. 

No, you don’t have to be harsh and hurtful with past lovers, just clear. Your lady needs that re-assurance.

Any other “pop-ups” of ex’es should be met with the line you used to define your current, ongoing relationship: “committed to a life together.” Anyone who still tries to make contact after that is just asking for a final answer.

My husband of 19 years recently lost his job due to an injury and returned to college for upgrading. He spends a lot of time with young female classmates (ages 18-25; we’re in our 40s). He claims that there’s nothing sinister happening.  

One young girl only calls/texts him on his cell phone and he regularly gives her rides. He brings her to our house when I’m away at work to “work on projects.” They also meet outside the classroom for lunch and she’s invited him to accompany her to a recording studio to see her perform.

Recently I found he’s been visiting porn sites that feature teenage girls.

Our sex life is nonexistent. I’m concerned that he’s hiding a growing relationship under the guise of school. He’s grown his hair long and acts like he’s 20.

Is he going through some mid-life crisis or should I be worried that there’s more going on?

- AWOL Husband

Whatever is, or is not going on, he’s crossed the line in bringing this girl home when you’re absent. Both of them are behaving inappropriately, given that he’s married – and you have a right to say it’s unacceptable. 

However, if you want to stay in your marriage, be aware that his injury and job loss may’ve made him feel vulnerable at mid-life, whereas the company of young women is flattering.

If you show some attention – including that you care too much for him to just let him slip away with some college girl – he may wake up to what he’s putting at risk. But speak up about his porn habit that many young women will find just as worrisome about him… and could land him in serious trouble.

My husband of two years has a son, 4, who stays with us on the weekends and whom I love and enjoy. 

However, when I mention our lack of quality time together, my husband makes his speech – that I always knew he had a son, and he’ll be part of everything that we do. My husband works two jobs until after 9 pm; yet but he blows off my concerns by talking over me and saying his son is his first priority.

- Frustrated

Hubby hears your “concerns” as a challenge to his parental commitment. Instead, offer pleasant solutions. 

During the week, set up one or two nights that are “date time” between 9 pm and midnight. Remind him in the day, and keep it simple and relaxing (candles, wine, pizza, whatever), and go for cuddles and intimacy more than chat.

On weekends, the youngster’s bedtime should also allow for “couple time.”