I’ve been with my husband for 10 years; we have a daughter, 8, he has a son, 12, who’s never lived with his dad (the parents broke up before he was born). 

His son visits frequently and lately claims the mother’s boyfriend is mean to him, but I know his mother would never allow that. I’m sure he gets smart with the boyfriend and doesn’t like his response or the fact that his mother has a man in her life.

My husband and I are also well off financially; we go to many places and do lots of things and I think that’s another reason why he wants to live with us. We give him everything from expensive game consoles to the newest clothes. We have family nights where we all do activities together so he’s not lacking attention.

He’s just a spoiled brat who wants all of my husband’s time, and my daughter and I on the back burner. He acts smug because he’s able to do this when he visits - he dominates my husband’s time with “tall tales” about his life at his mom’s house.

My husband feels guilty and goes out of his way to make him feel special while shutting out my daughter and myself. His mother has told me that he’s very jealous of our daughter because she lives with her dad.

I don’t want my stepson to live with us. I can’t stand how he’s conning my husband. I don’t want the responsibility of dealing with a pre-teen before I have to. I like my life the way it is.

I don’t know how to prevent him from moving in, or bring it up to my husband. I don’t want to appear insensitive to his “poor unfortunate son.” What can I do?

- Can’t Bear It

Your choices: You can be the wise, compassionate adult who understands her husband’s concern for his son’s well-being, who models responsible, caring behaviour for her entire family, and suggests a course of family counselling (including his mother) to get to the heart of any problems involved, before any decisions are made.

OR, you can be the immature, selfish, self-centered, judgmental, stereotypical stepmother you’ve characterized in your letter.

The latter course, with you refusing to believe the boy or come up with any compromise solutions, will ultimately diminish your husband’s view of you, and will certainly influence your daughter’s approach to pre-teen attitudes and behaviour (as in, Acting from self-interest rules the home-front).

Whichever path you choose will affect your entire future.

My friend of 30-years has become increasingly controlling to his partner and myself - he barks out orders and has us doing everything for him.  

His verbal abuse towards his partner is so bad that I no longer want to be around him. I’ve also realized that he’s stealing from me.

I don’t want to end our friendship but don’t know how to approach him about this.

- Need Suggestions

Your greatest service as a friend is to get this man to a medical check-up, to rule out the possibility of a brain tumour, or other health factors. 

Any approach that works is worthwhile: e.g. suggesting the wisdom of men your age checking for prostate or colon cancer, high blood pressure, etc. and making appointments together.

Alert the doctor to your friend’s changed behaviour. If there are no known causes, speak up and say you won’t tolerate his controls. However, stay in contact with his partner, who’ll need your support.

My boyfriend of five years gave me a promise ring, and then broke up a week later. I think he got cold feet but I haven’t really talked to him since. I think it was because he thought my family didn’t respect him; and because I don’t have a lot of friends. 

I respect his decision, as I know he didn’t make it lightly.

He wants to be single and doesn’t want to rehash our relationship. But I want him back.

- What To Do?

Stop speculating; you deserve a clear explanation of why he changed his mind. Forget about “rehash,” and be prepared to accept what you can’t change, e.g. his desire to be “single” again (if that’s his main motive). 

You need to get past the pain, reassess your own situation, and move on. Expand your network of friends, and start pursuing some personal interests; it will help you face the future positively.