I read in a newspaper report that divorce parties thrown by the couple together are the latest trend in Japan - with photographers present, a ring-smashing ceremony, and friends invited to "celebrate" the couple's breakup.

It seems a great idea as I approach my own divorce.... something upbeat that shows I'm moving on and not hiding in my bed crying (which I've been doing).

What's your take on this?

New View

Upbeat is good, a party is, well, debatable. Here's why: the same kind of unrealistic expectations that some people bring to weddings - and sometimes to marriage itself - can turn a divorce into yet another drama episode.

With a past Bridezilla, there's the risk of her becoming a Divorce Diva. With a Groom Gamer who was playing at commitment, there's a strong chance of a Divorce Dude partying for the prowl. For these types, the post-split "celebration" focuses mostly on the superficial aspects of their seeking attention yet again.

However, if "moving on" means adjusting your life after divorce in a positive way, assuring family that you're okay, and letting friends know you're wanting to stay connected, then getting together socially is healthy and productive.

But it doesn't require a full-on hearty party (or the ex's presence) to accomplish this. From my view, the hoopla of this so-called "trend" feels demeaning to the concept of a loving union, which is what marriage is meant to be.

(It'd be interesting to know what percentage of divorced couples can amicably plan and afford a splashy celebration).

My final answer - it's really an individual choice. If a bottle of bubbly shared with caring friends fires up your self-confidence and ends the tears, go for it.

Several years ago, my niece got married in another city. I went there in the summer and hosted a Bridal shower. I flew my husband and kids to attend the wedding in the fall. We bought a generous gift. My dad's partner, aged 71, attended all bridal showers, and bought lovely gifts for each one.

At the wedding, we were treated like second-class citizens. My family, parents, and sibling were seated many rows back while my sister-in-law's family sat in the church's front pew. At the reception, we were seated randomly, her family sat beside the head table. She was also thanked and mentioned frequently in speeches. None of our side was included in any family photos.

My sister-in-law commented that these were "oversights" but she's very etiquette-minded and I believe these were intentional acts. I'd known of strain between my brother and my father, but realized we weren't even considered family.

Now my nephew's getting married. I can't imagine going to the same trouble and expense. I'm not vengeful; I really adore his fiancé and would hate to disappoint her, but is there a middle ground on this one?

Still Wounded

Talk to your brother matter-of-factly. Explain that you want to participate as a caring aunt, but it's awkward and hurtful if your side of the family is discounted.

Say that his rift with your father is his business. But it shouldn't mean disrespecting his relatives publicly. If he's difficult about this, then send a generous gift to the couple, and consider going to the wedding on your own, or not attending.

If he assures you things will be different, then make sure his wife agrees, before you go ahead with showers and/or having the whole family attend the wedding.

Our two sons have trouble with moodiness and an inherited tendency to mild depression.

Son #1 followed our suggestion to see a therapist. He feels he's gotten good help. But he's very private about it; we're the only ones who know.

However, Son #2, who lives in another city, thinks getting counselling shows weakness, yet struggles greatly through his low periods. We want to encourage him to get help. Can we reveal his brother's successful treatment without getting permission, since it's a mental health issue for our child?

Concerned Mom

No. Breaking a privacy code could infuriate Son #1; even send him into a mood tailspin.

However, you can ask if he'd share some information, either himself or through you. He may be willing to reveal general knowledge he's gained, if his brother seems interested.

Meanwhile, send Son #2 your own research on the benefits of such help as cognitive behaviour therapy.