My husband of six years and I lived separately for two and a half years due to his immigration problems. We have two lovely children.

Often, my husband is unhappy. He has a lot of history, much of which I've helped him sort through. But some things have no resolutions yet. Other times it's about our lacking sex life and me. Or his preference for particular foods which I'm not cooking everyday.

I've tried to explain reality (my being tired) but he won't listen. After my getting home from work, cleaning up after supper (we have cooking help weekdays), spending time with the kids, putting them to bed, he'll give me heck for our lack of sex life. He feels unwanted. I've suggested counselling but he refuses.
Our marriage was perfect before his immigration ordeal. Now there's no way pleasing him. He'll often return from work and go upstairs to be alone.

He has two habits that perhaps affect his mood towards me. He watches porn regularly and he smokes marijuana. How often do other married couples have sex? He says there's something wrong with me for wanting it only outside of my menstrual cycle and two to three times per week.
I seem to be a failure and I'm afraid of losing my husband.

Bad Wife

You're not a "bad" wife, but you're married to a troubled man. He's in a cycle of moods about his past, habits that feed those moods, and blaming you rather than dealing with his own "ghosts."

Your sex life is regular and active compared to many working parents with young children. But there's a cloud over it.

You can be supportive and understanding but you can't force habit change nor chase his demons. Getting counselling yourself will help you stop feeling guilty, and learn strategies to deal with him without being so hard on yourself.

Our sons, ages 12 and 15 are in gifted school programming. We have a motherless girl, 16, with ADD and a learning disability, living with us at our invitation. We have contact with her younger brother and alcoholic father, but no financial or legal arrangements other than her father's permission.

She's a lovely girl, very attached to us and appreciative, helpful around the house. We provide homework help, money management, rides to after- school activities, etc.

However, she's also self-absorbed, boy crazy, and very distracted. We rationally expected this as a result of her earlier upbringing, and her being a teenager.
But we're finding it very difficult to accept her lack of effort at school, and her inability to see that she's hurting herself. We've stopped our handholding response, after repeated "unknown" late and missing assignments. However, she's not pregnant, skipping school, or running with the wrong crowd. Do we just need reassurance to stay the course?

Frustrated

Stay the course, but use more resources to bolster your efforts. You've taken on a generous, significant effort to help her achieve her potential. But it's counter-productive to expect instant rewards.

She doesn't have to become a super-student for you to have succeeded. She only needs to learn to try her best, and to surmount setbacks.

Seek support from the school guidance program, especially with teaching time management for projects and homework. Get her tutoring for difficult subjects (hiring an older student shouldn't be expensive).

Meanwhile, encourage. She knows she's not your own child; so don't pressure her to perform like them. Praise her unique qualities, and give her room and time to grow.

My son who is in university, age 20, reacted badly to news that his father and I are separating. I'm surprised, since we've been going in opposite directions for several years, and I thought he'd expect the split.

My husband travels for work two weeks of each month. I returned to school to get my graduate degree and now work full-time after years of picking up only part-time work.

We've been very close but now my son says he's fed up with us both and doesn't want further contact. What do we do?

Devastated

Visit him, and send letters (not just emails). Do this individually, not together, or you'll raise expectations of being a couple again.

Each of you needs to reassure him of your continued love, interest, and support of him, also that you're not enemies and can both attend future occasions such as his graduation. Time will ease his reaction.