I’m a single professional mother who’s raised a daughter, 16. We’ve had a rocky mother-daughter relationship but she’s a good kid, serious about school, with a well-developed social conscience. 

She’s promised a longtime friend that they’ll do a credit high school course in Central America this summer. I’d said, “maybe,” depending on her behaviour (not flying off the handle with me) and helping me with simple chores (e.g. unloading the dishwasher). I don’t feel she’s upheld her end of the bargain.

Meanwhile, her friend’s mother already paid the $1,000 deposit and stands to lose it if my daughter cancels. (The other girl won’t go alone).

I don’t want to “reward” her, yet secretly would like her to go on the course/trip, and not let her friend down.

- Unsure

Go with the bigger principles here. The issue of not letting a friend down, plus the enrichment of her seeing another culture and how other people live, are on a level beyond fights over the dishwasher.  

I hear only the common tensions between a teenager trying to stake out areas of independence versus parental demands; yet you’ve both succeeded, in how well she’s turning out.

You’ll be rewarding her for being a daughter you trust to let go, and whom you believe will get a great deal out of this experience. Equally important, you’ll be modeling a forgiving and generous nature.

These are big life lessons, and worth rising above everyday stuff.

My fiancé’s going off for a Las Vegas bachelor weekend. 

I overheard him telling his buddy, “What happens in Vegas, stays there.” Should I refuse to let him go?

- Worried

Refusal is a control move, enough to make any partner re-think the relationship instead of the trip. Tell him you’re concerned. 

If he’s been a faithful guy, believe him when he reassures you.

If he’s a player, you’ll always worry, whether it’s Vegas or next door.

My world revolved around my wife of 15 years and our kids. 

Recently, she said she no longer loved me. I blamed my work, time in school and jealousy, ignorance. Then I noticed many unfamiliar calls on her cell… they were from male co-workers.

She was mad when I attempted to contact her friends; I went to my mother’s house but when I returned, she said she wanted her freedom.

After one of my children was involved in a misdemeanor, I took my home back and she didn’t return from work. Eventually, I learned the name of her lover, and my child saw abrasions on her neck. I believe I can forgive her but I cannot forget.

I’m unsure if I want her back. I still love her, but her betrayal has wounded me deeply.

- Lost, and Pained

This is a turning point in your life. Things went wrong in your marriage before this betrayal, and you already know some of the factors. Let the immediate drama calm a bit, and then suggest getting marriage counselling together. 

If she’s not interested, point out that such therapy is helpful for separating couples, too, in order to handle the issues of the children’s adjustment, and of raising them while apart.

Hopefully, you two will also be able to explore what was good between you, and why you drifted apart.

If the therapy can’t mend your relationship, it can at least help you both see your own contribution to its demise. It’s an important step to being able to move forward, whether together or on your own.

My boyfriend of 18 months and I live together, when we’re at university together. 

Lately, I’ve been bored with our exclusivity. The relationship’s become routine and not exciting as it was initially. I’m unsure if I’m falling out of love with him, or we’re just too comfortable with other. I feel he doesn’t care as much as before, and we both put in less effort.

This happened in my previous relationship, which I ended because of it. Will I keep running into the same roadblock in my future relationships?

- Concerned

Relationships can be an important learning experience, if you grow in your understanding of yourself. 

If your pattern is to get bored after several months, you should re-consider getting “exclusive” until you have more confidence the feelings are strong, mutual, and have more than early excitement or just comfort sustaining them.

Take a break, and know yourself better before committing again.