My wife cheated on me with a co-worker. We decided to stay together because we still love each other and have young kids.

However, I’m having a hard time forgiving her, because she's never apologized, and still has him working with her, despite that dismissing him was my main condition.

She said she tried, but he’s a good worker, and hard to replace. I know that in her field she could find somebody else. She says that I should trust her. I simply cannot accept that he’s still around her.

Lost and Confused

She needs to hear a simple truth – you can only make a go of staying together if she “gets” that she’s hurt you deeply and has to demonstrate she wants to make up for that.

She may have some compassion about not wanting to fire this guy, and cause financial trouble for him.

But, on the emotion ledger, she owes you more than she owes him. And she must let him go. It’s too difficult to accept that they still work together, when she’s able to do something about it.

It’s not about you not trusting her. (Her suggestion’s a commonly used tactic of turning this into your fault if things don’t work out.)

Instead, it’s about her caring about your feelings. So far, not so much.

I started talking with this guy last year. It got pretty serious. Then suddenly I stopped talking to him (I do this a lot). He still tries to make us work. I like him and he likes me; it’s just me who won't allow the relationship.

How do I put my guard down, and allow myself to be loved? How do I know that he's in love with me?

Mixed-Up Feelings

You’ve developed a pattern of sending mixed-up messages. It’s confusing YOU as well as anyone receiving them.

In just two paragraphs, you swing from “talking” to not talking, from “liking” to distancing, then mentioning “love.”

If you’re still young, you’re not ready for serious relationships and though you like the idea, you shy away… which is probably protecting you from more than you can handle.

BUT, if adult, and this is your frequent pattern, you have deeper anxieties about relationships. You block them, likely fearing you’ll get hurt…. even when there’s no apparent threat if the other person is openly trying to make it work.

There’s usually a strong reason for this level of avoidance – past abuse, parents’ divorce, shabby treatment by other men, etc. Even if you repress that past, it’s haunting you in the present. If you’re old enough to have a serious relationship, get the therapy you need to be able to enjoy one.

I’m a healthy, active widow, 80, who had a wonderful happy marriage. I do belong to clubs, Church, have many friends and a loving family. However, all the male widowers I know are sick or have different interests from mine.

I’d like to meet a healthy male, approximately my age, interested in a platonic friendship, to attend the theatre, ballet, symphony, etc. and perhaps play bridge. I’ve looked at dating sites for seniors but it appears that every male there is looking for a lot more than friendship.

Disappointed Senior

I don’t advise dating sites for your situation, with a goal of companionship only. Instead, put out the same message among friends and family, and at your clubs, Church, etc.

Join any cultural events that draw people, including seniors – e.g. daytime rehearsals to which the public’s invited.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose mother was becoming distant, uninvolved (April 20):

Reader – “We found this with my own mother and wondered why she never called, nor wanted to spend time with us, was overly independent, and not wanting any help.

“She’s now been diagnosed with dementia and these were early signs, especially personality changes. Now we see her as often as we can and have taken over her more difficult tasks.

“We wish we’d known this sooner. The writer should make all efforts to find out if this could be the case. Dementia patients are very skilled at covering up their decrease in cognitive ability by withdrawing themselves from social situations. Naturally they don’t want to be seen as incapable.”

Ellie – When facing changes in close people, get them to a medical check soon after new, or deepened, traits occur. Other factors than dementia can be the cause, some of which will respond to treatment.