Three years ago, I married a wonderful, kind, generous man, whom I love dearly.

We’re both mid-50s - my first marriage, his second.

I already owned a nice, paid-off house and have no debt. Having been recently laid off, I have a very low income from occasional contract work and a basement rental apartment.

He has an excellent salary, but few savings. After his costly divorce, he paid for three adult children through very expensive higher education, out of country.

When we got engaged, he sold his condo, paid off debt, and moved into my home.

I spent 18 years paying it off, during some tough times as a single woman. I want to move and pay 50% towards a house that belongs to both of us.

He pays me “rent” - about 20% of his net salary. With that I pay for all our living expenses, with little extra for myself.

I also do all maintenance, cooking, and cleaning. He takes us out for dinners sometimes and occasionally brings me on nice business trips.

However, the amount he pays me monthly to cover both of us, is the same he gives his single daughter, 26, to live on, besides her schooling.

One child’s independent now. He’s been sending to the other two, two-thirds of his salary for schooling and living expenses. He also took on a huge line of credit from his married daughter who has children, a husband, and isn’t  working.

His youngest daughter’s graduating and found a great job. But she wants a new car, and asked for first and last months’ rent for a very expensive apartment. He sent it.

I don’t like that he doesn’t set limits with his children and I don’t want to stay in this home. He can afford a mortgage, if he’d stop sending so much to his children. He doesn’t want to take on a mortgage even though he makes a good salary and will have a good pension. He wants to hold onto his savings, albeit small.

It’s the only thing we argue about. (In our system, he’s legally considered half-owner in my home, which he didn’t invest in.)

What would be fair to expect and how do I discuss it without causing an argument?

Wanting A Real Marital Home 

Wherever you two live together is your marital home. If you adjust it to reflect both your personalities, it’s a symbol of present success together, not your past tough times.

This is more about the priority he places on the adult children’s financial needs, rather than yours together. It’s not an uncommon factor with well-salaried divorced people whose children were accustomed to largesse. You knew his commitments when you met him, even admired him for being “generous.”

But three years later, its time for more changes. Resentment is a waste of energy. You’re both living in a new life phase and should get some objective financial advice.

Some views to examine: What he pays you is not “rent”, it’s his contribution to expenses, and he could afford more. (He could also contribute to chores, no reason for you to do it all; you’re both living there).

Most Critical - He needs to re-think on his own with the financial advisor, how much longer he needs to financially support adults, and at what level, besides being generous occasionally.

Insist that he then discusses a future plan with you… it may take a year more to fully affect, but it must satisfy you both as primary to each other.

FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter who refuses to have sex with the husband she “sponsored” as an immigrant (April 19):

Reader – “The daughter’s claim to prefer artificial insemination could be a way of placating a nosy mother.

“The only way some people, like her husband, can leave their country of origin is by being married to, or engaged to marry, a citizen of the destination country.

“Some people actively seek for someone to marry and perhaps this is the case for this couple. Their private plan may well be to divorce once the sponsorship period is over, and in the meantime, keep things tidy by not having sex (or children).

“A mother who’s overly intrusive regarding personal matters in her daughter's home and marriage may not be the first to know intimate details, especially if these details are unorthodox.”

Ellie – As a mom, I’d still be concerned about what influence she’s under.