When we started texting, he was 39. I’m 19 and in college so our age gap is noticeable, even though he looks 30.
I really like him, enjoy talking to and being around him. We only went out to eat once, the first time we hung out.
Ever since, it’s been at his house and watching a movie.
Though his 40th birthday was last week, he didn’t tell me about it, till I saw his birthday cards.
Sometimes I feel like we’re dating. Other times he doesn’t talk to me that day. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend either.
We’re now intimate and the conversation still hasn’t come up about what our relationship is.
I’ve never stayed the night; I always go home. He never asks me out with his friends and I’ve never met his daughter (I understand why he wouldn’t introduce me to her yet).
Am I a fling? He tells me he doesn’t feel 40 and that the age difference isn’t a big deal for him, but I’m not so sure.
What should I expect?
Fling or Girlfriend?
You should expect to start protecting your emotional self. Focus on this, right now.
While some men openly date much-younger women, this man is not dating you, he’s barely even speaking to you.
Expect no future with someone who has sex with you but doesn’t even drive you home.
He’s self-absorbed, proving to himself (through you) that he’s “young” for his age in looks and in bed with a still-teenage woman.
He’s kept you hidden.
So, expect nothing, and realize this has been, at best, a learning experience.
Now you can recognize when someone cares far more for himself than for you.
Now you’ll protect your self-image, and speak up when you’ve seen someone a few times, and the only connection between you is what he wants.
You’ll also know to watch for signs of someone using you for vanity reasons.
But the big lesson is less about age-difference and more about how he’s treated you, which you accepted.
Don’t be hurt, angry, or embarrassed. Just be smart, self-protective, and done.
In your next (real) relationship, “expect” to be treated with loving care and respect.
My wife’s texting an ex-fiancé from 30-plus years ago.
She says it’s okay because they won’t meet, and they never had sex when they were engaged.
They just talk about day-to-day things. But my wife never says that we did this or that, it’s just about her.
They tried to meet up several times but never connected. Her last text ended, “All my love, You are so handsome. How did I ever let you get away?”
When I accidentally found that, I was actually searching for something else for us.
Her words to me: “What does it matter to you (what she writes)? It’s the past and nothing’s going to happen.”
Am I crazy to worry about this?
No, you’re not crazy, she should be the one worrying if you didn’t care about, or question, this text-flirtation.
It’s disrespectful of your marriage for her to carry on a teasing correspondence without mentioning you as her life partner.
If you were flirting with and flattering your last important girlfriend, your wife would not ignore it or accept it easily. Tell her so.
Say that it does matter to be excluded this way.
Their re-connection wouldn’t be worrisome IF it’s treated as a friendship, with you mentioned and included.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the letter-writer concerned about her grandparents leaving family events early because Grandma’s always tired (November 8):
“I’m a senior services coordinator and have also dealt with my own aging parents. Grandma likely has dementia issues and Grandpa’s covering for her, very common in elderly couples.
“I recommend they keep an eye on Grandpa’s ability to drive.
“It's also very common for elderly people to become self-centred in their conversations, talking only about themselves and their memories. They often can't remember what's going on their family's lives.
“This will unfortunately only get more difficult to deal with. It's important to plan their visits around what they can handle. Ask Grandma how she’s feeling, ask them to tell about their childhood, and keep visits short.
“Their children should ensure they’re living in housing they can handle. It's likely they’ll deny any problems, but some push may be needed.”
Tip of the day:
Age-difference isn’t as big a problem as one person being used and treated badly by other.