I love my husband of ten years but have some serious problems with him. He's got a great job in the finance industry, so we're fortunate... but he won't discuss our financial picture with me. He says that, because he's in a good position in the industry, there's "nothing to worry about."

He also insisted some years back that I quit work, because he's out late every night, and we can afford my staying home. So I'm totally dependent on his (unknown) income.

Meanwhile, we keep buying things, and have expensive obligations e.g. private-school fees for our two sons, and I have no idea where we stand. How do I get him to open up, or am I worrying unnecessarily?

In the Dark

You may not have to worry, but you sure need the knowledge to give it up. Lots of high-powered financial guys on Wall St. and around the world said they had nothing to worry about. Then they suddenly lost their jobs following the global financial crisis of 2008.

But even if your guy is completely secure (that's a job guarantee I'd like to see!) his attitude is wrong and understandably disturbing. It leaves you with no sense of partnership and, instead of pride in what he's accomplished, you're carrying anxieties.

Try this: Say that you don't doubt your good fortune, and you're immensely proud of what he does and earns. But you need to know the family's finances as an equal in the relationship.

Explain, too, that if he dismisses your request, it's a form of disrespect, as if you're not able to deal with financial information, even though you're dependent on it. And that's all wrong for your self-respect as well as your role as mother and wife.

My daughter and her husband live across the country and visit us once every summer. We travel to them once each winter. These are the only times we see our grandchildren whom we adore.

This year, our son- in-law has decided to use their summer vacation to take the children to Disney World, and not come here. We're devastated, he knows we can't meet them there as my husband has a bad back and can't walk around that much.

My daughter says he got angry when she mentioned that we were hurt and said, "It's our only vacation time and we're using it as we please."

Do I have the right to point out how much we've helped them in the past (we pay for their annual flights here, always buy expensive gifts like household appliances when theirs break down, etc.)? Or do we jut swallow our hurt?

Passed By

Swallow, change your attitude, and find other times for visits. He's right that it's his time to vacation where and how he pleases (your daughter was unwise to repeat his tossed-off response).

Also, the "help" that you've given your adult children was your choice. If you do it expecting them to live in gratitude to you, time to re-think and only help out in dire emergencies.

However, the main issue is getting together with your grandchildren. So form new plans - e.g. visit them twice this year, in the fall and spring. Start a Skype schedule with the kids and keep it interesting. As they get old enough to travel to you on their own, invite one at a time to stay for a week in the summer.

It's the relationships that matter, not just sticking to set schedules.

My brother's wife turned against my son, and split our family apart. It goes back ten years (!) when my son was single and didn't set up her daughter with his best friend.

My niece had a crush on him but the guy wasn't interested, and my son refused to risk the friendship by pushing it.

My SIL never forgave him and withdrew from all our family events. Her daughter's been married and divorced since, and she still blames my son. What can I do about this?

Stumped

There's likely little to change her mind, since she's held onto anger so long, almost as if she was looking for a way to break away. This could come from envy of your son's popularity back then, or other differences between her family picture and yours.

Be pleasant when you do see her, but don't discuss this past incident between cousins. It's her issue, not yours.