We’d been friends for several years, until I realized she’s the one for me. 

I left my “player” ways voluntarily and don’t want to be with anyone else but her.

But, we’re of different cultures - same religion, different tribes.

I told her how I feel, she said she only sees me as a good friend. I feel it’s because her family is old-fashioned about tribes, and she’s also scared of my old player ways.

I’m sure she has feelings for me but she’s very shy about her emotions.

Confused in Love

Talk to her as the great friends that you are. Go beyond just saying what you feel. Romancing someone goes beyond saying, “I want you, be mine”… 

You need to get her to express if anything is holding her back. Be open and clear about how you’d help her handle any family disapproval; suggest you go together to speak to a respected person in her community. Show your commitment to finding ways to cross any barriers.

When she hears your determination to face all opposition, because of your deep feelings for her, she’ll be less concerned about your past ways.

However, there’s always the possibility that she does NOT feel romantically about you. If so, do not pressure her.

Nor should you start chasing random women the next second. Your “friend” helped you mature and become selective, and that’s not a lesson to throw away.

My partner of 18 months may get a job transfer to another country, or else he’ll stay in this city to start his own business. Neither of us want to live here anymore. 

Just before I met him, I was planning on moving abroad, as a break to “find myself” and seek more opportunities in my career. But he’s the breadwinner, supporting me while I’ve been working and attending school. He’s a wonderful partner and my best friend.

However, it’s assumed that I’ll go along with his plans.

I’m terrified this’ll blow up into something that we won’t be able to fix. I think that if he’s going to start his own business, it's a time that I can kick around for a bit and clear my mind.

He’s insulted that I don’t want to do that with him.

He’s 35, well-travelled and I’m 27. I don’t want to have a life without him.

Am I crazy to think that I can do some travelling from time to time as he gets his company going? I have money coming to me from an inheritance.

- Between Love and Dream

You’re not crazy, but you’re not supportive as a partner, either. He’s been carrying you, yet you’re willing to leave him struggle with setting up a new business on his own while you send postcards of the fun you’re having. Not great for a relationship! 

Yet, dreams are important too, and wonderful when shared. Since you clearly want a life together, start compromising instead of putting it on hold. If there’s a job transfer, see if he can get a break in between when you can both “clear your minds.”

If not, explore the idea of his setting up a business elsewhere, where there are better opportunities for you as well. Or use your inheritance to pay for an extended travel vacation for both of you, at the first opportunity…

Since he supported you financially, it’s decent to share some of your windfall.

I’m 41, divorced, with two teenagers, dating a man, 38, who’s separated with two younger kids. We spent weekend time together, got along great. 

After five months, he says suddenly that he doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I have for him. I believe he’s afraid of getting hurt again (his wife left him), but he doesn’t accept this explanation.

Your advice?

- Heartbroken

The best offensive is sometimes defensive – back off, don’t try to convince him of anything, let him miss you.  

If he finds that he’s shutting himself off from a relationship that was happy and healthy, he’ll reach out to you.

But if he’s not ready for a deeper involvement including two sets of children, accept this: it’s better for you and your family.

Look to meet someone more prepared for where dating takes him, rather than try to push this man into a situation he’s resisting.