I’m 36, divorced, have been dating a wonderful guy for eight months, but it seems my mother doesn’t want me to be happy.

My father died two years ago. Since then, nothing I do is good enough for her. She complains that I don’t visit her enough, don’t take her anywhere, etc.

But if I suggest we go for dinner, or that she join me for a walk in a park, she refuses, saying that she only enjoyed doing those things with my father.

When I started talking about the new man in my life, she said she didn’t want to meet him because we’d probably break up.

Next, she was always “too tired” for me to bring him over. Now, she says I spend too much time with him and I’m no longer interested in her.

I can’t please her. Why wouldn’t a mother want her adult daughter to be happy?

No Approval

If this was your mother-daughter history growing up, then nothing’s new. You’ve changed, she hasn’t.

But if this is her reaction since she lost her husband and daily companion, then change through loss has overwhelmed her.

Her mourning period may be over, but she’s still grieving her old lifestyle.

And you can’t do anything that brings it back.

But you can start something new between you two, if you care enough to try.

Bring your boyfriend to meet her, briefly, without making it a long visit. Do it again, and bring flowers. Next time, bring dinner and talk.

Yes, you’d be “wooing” her, but not because she doesn’t want you happy… it’s because she’s the one who’s unhappy and doesn’t know how to lift her spirits on her own.

I have two grown children in their 20's, both have post secondary educations and live at home.

Neither one of them is driven to get a full-time job.

They’re good, friendly, confident, happy people, but lack the initiative to move on with their lives.

Neither one has a significant other. They go out with friends and also enjoy spending time with me and my husband.

They’re a pleasure to be around but it's time for more.

I often go through job ads and forward them. My kids will sometimes send their resumes and sometimes not.

I don’t know how to motivate them. Help!

Still At Home

The obstacle here is your thinking that you can motivate them to become independent.

But you can’t, not when you’ve made dependency so pleasant for them.

This was natural and fine when they were growing up. But it’s become a soft cushion they’re reluctant to give up.

They need to recognize that there are more rewarding choices ahead for them.

Here are just some strategies for you and your husband to ponder:

Discuss trimming your finances and needing them to contribute to their room and board.

Mention a desire to travel more and move to a smaller place to afford it. Or say you’ve decided to free yourselves from so much household responsibility.

Whatever the plan, you’re announcing intensions to adjust your lifestyle as a couple, in some ways that don’t include their living with you.

Put a timeframe on it, and say you expect them to use their good educations to find jobs.

Be clear that even if no preferred jobs are immediately available, they’ll still need to earn money by starting to work.

Be positive and firm. Most important, show confidence in their ability to move forward as adults.

FEEDBACK Regarding the boy, 10, who started acting out when his divorced father distanced from him (July 6):

Reader – “Having experienced a similar situation with my son, I found the school to be a major help.

“The mother should ask about the “Rainbows” program for kids who have divorced parents or have lost a parent for whatever reason.

“It’s a very positive weekly youth support program.

“She can encourage school officials to offer it, or other youth support programs.

“Also, keep letting him know he’s loved immensely and there’s nothing wrong with him.

“Give him specific daily reasons why you love him so much (e.g. he makes you laugh when he makes that funny face).

“Give hugs for no reason.

“If he brings up Dad’s unwillingness to spend time with him, don't make excuses for his father but don't denigrate him either.

“Do validate the boy’s feelings because they’re real.”