My husband of 19 years has always been the playful type - joking, being lovely-dovey, etc.

For the past week, he’s gone completely cold. When he’s home, his mind isn’t here.

He hasn't tried to come near me at all, barely speaks to me.

But he always seems to mention this girl at work (she's 22, he’s 40).

He swears the only thing wrong is that he’s stressed out over some stuff at work.

My gut’s screaming that he’s lying. He’s never acted like this before.

I know something else is bothering him. Am I just over-reacting or does this signal something else?

At Wit’s End

It’s unusual for cheating to be your go-to guess after just one week, unless there were other significant clues such as previous straying, or now staying out late and secretive about why, etc.

This young co-worker may be flirting with him, and it may be affecting him. Perhaps he’s even having a fantasy about her…

This can happen without it meaning he’s lying and having an affair.

There are equally good possibilities that he needs support, not accusations, e.g. if he’s threatened with being laid off or fired, or has had a health scare he hasn’t yet told you about.

One week of strange behaviour IS a signal, but it’s to be more attentive, show caring and concern. You’ll get an answer a lot sooner that way.

Eventually, you’ll have to insist on knowing what’s going on.

My husband and I have a ten-year-old son together. I have a daughter, 20. She’s quit college twice. The second time, she hid it from me for months.

She’s starting college again this September. Previously, I’d paid her fees.

Previously, she’s gotten fired, or quit her part-time jobs.

She’s been at home since last December, sleeping in until late afternoon. She goes clubbing several times a month.

She got social assistance ($700 monthly) without my knowledge and kept this from me for five months until I found proof. (My husband doesn’t know).

Even asking her to do chores turns into a big argument. So I do everything – work full-time, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, etc.

My husband resents her behaviour, lack of contribution to the house, and lack of motivation. We argue a lot about her.

I don’t want to kick her out. I’ve done that before and it doesn’t sit well with me.

She says she’ll finish school this time, and has been looking for jobs but has no luck.

I offered her a minimum wage job at my office. She refused because she doesn’t want me as her boss.

 Lost and Confused Mother

Unfortunately, many late teens/early 20s get “stuck” in a go-nowhere zone if they don’t stick with school and then face a very limited job market.

Add an emotional component – daughter not co-operating, step-father fed up - and it seems un-solvable.

Moving forward is now up to you.

Tell her that you’re now setting firm boundaries, for her sake and everyone else’s:

1) She goes to college and pays towards her tuition fees.

2) She either contributes to household chores, or pays part of her social assistance to you for room and board.

You’re not kicking her out, but you’re also not indulging a young woman who’s taking advantage of you and your husband.

If she overreacts and/or refuses new rules, offer a process of counselling.

Explain that it’s her best chance to get an outsider’s view and gain confidence in her own ability to improve her life.

FEEDBACK Regarding the marketing employee being asked to fill in as receptionist (July 5):

Reader – “She needs to show confidence in herself.

“Thirty years ago, I was a secretary with a degree. I was offered an opportunity to be manager of the new Word Processing Center.

“I took it and gave away my typewriter!

“I took the role of manager and acted like one.  I retired, recently having earned the title Director at another company.  I sincerely believe it was because I had the confidence to get rid of that typewriter.

“When put into a difficult situation like this one, this young woman needs to politely decline fulfilling the important role of receptionist, saying, “my work in marketing cannot wait.”

“If the managers disagree with this position, she should move to another company, as they don't respect you for your marketing talents and will always see you as a backup receptionist.”