When I first met my boyfriend, we were attracted but both having problems in our then-relationships. When he became single, we started hanging out. I learned that his past relationship lasted 10 years. I’m 27; he’s 28. 

Once, after we argued, he went back to her. We got back together, and they ended up in court, resulting in restraining orders against each other.

When we fight, he says he still loves her and that’ll never change, but he doesn’t want to be with her, he wants to be with me.

We spend almost everyday together; I know a lot of his family and have spent holidays with them. But is he really ready for our relationship, so soon after ending such a long, special one?

It hurts that he says he still loves her. How do I know if he’s sincere about moving forward with me?

- Consistently Confused

You’re right to question the speed with which your guy has “moved on.” His past relationship was clearly intense and volatile… a kind that’s hard to forget. 

You have a right to ask him to define his “love” for his ex: Is it a caring from the past, or, if they could manage to live together peacefully, would he want to do so in the present? If he hesitates, take a break from him and your relationship. Ten years is not a teenage romance, and his split is like a divorce.

He needs time and space from her – and any new involvement – until he can put the past in perspective and move forward himself, not just because you want this. He needs at least six months on his own… or, until he can stop telling other woman that he still loves his ex.

My husband and I have lived together very little, partly due to the military, partly to his lack of desire to be a real husband and father. 

Last year he moved back to Chicago with the kids and I, staying with my parents. We had plans to move out a month later but he finally admitted, during marriage counselling, that he’d lost our savings. We both agreed that he should move back to where he previously resided, where jobs for his work are easier to find, and we’ll save to move the kids and I there.

I was then pregnant.

He never produced his side of the deal, such as locating a home for us, or anything.

I learned about his continued infidelity this past summer and pursued divorce. He asked for forgiveness months later, said he loves the kids and I and wants us to move with him, “for real,” this time.

What do you think of this mess?

- Messed up Mommy

Your family unit deserves a second – and last – chance to try to be together. 

His military experiences may’ve had a more disruptive effect on his behaviour than you realize. Insist that he get back to counselling for himself, and that he probes why he’s resisted his responsibilities outside military service.

Consider that he may also have a gambling problem, or other addiction, which caused his “losses” (if not, you need to know what did).

Marriage counselling is also wise, but only after he commits to giving a full shot to changing his past ways – i.e. once he’s found a house for you and the kids, and gives assurances that he’s saved money towards it. If you both work at it, you can clean up this “mess” together.

The long-time boyfriend of a friend has a violent family whose gatherings end with someone getting beat up, so the couple decided not to attend the next function. 

His family announced they’d be picking up their oldest child, who’s living with his biological mother. She lets him go, even though the couple doesn’t want their children there.

Is there anything they can do to keep their children away from the violence? They’ve already received abusive letters and phone calls for deciding not to attend.

- Worried

They should attend with their child, to protect him, and make a quick exit when the fighting starts. They can seek custody of the boy, and/or restraining orders from his being with this volatile family. 

The latter, however, may only escalate the family’s reaction to them and other children.

With so much negativity and danger around, they should consider moving… once the boy is safely with them.